Learning...

Im in school now....was supposed to be in at 8am..guess what?? hahaha... i came in at 915...hahaha..not that i was late or anything...well, sorta in a way but well...will be staying till 6pm till friday anyways.. man..what kinda holiday is this?? hahahaa... a teacher's holiday that is....well, i was having this conversation with a couple of friends last weekend...and we talked about holidays..it was a very common topic asked...well, i shared we get NO leave for the year...and our leave is our holiday period..im not complaining..just so ya'll know... yeah... so which also means that we cna only go for breaks at the end of the year and not inbetween...guess its got pros and cons yeah... every job has them...yeah, so sometimes some of my friends wanna go for a holiday say on any other month besides june and dec, well they've gotta go without me and me without them... so sad right? hehe... :) so yeah...kinda difficult to get friends to travel with me on the days that im available..hehe.. well, take it as blessing that we're not supposed to travel together then.. :)
Got a group of friends travelling in july...i do sorta wanna go, but i know i cant...and somehow at the same time, guess i want them to enjoy without me kinda feeling..thou i must admit, i will be worried bout certain stuff...i pray really hard that they stay away from stuff... :)

alright...i was told to use my heart for almost everything except for my work related matters....
somehow, im still confused how to use my heart and head...i know, i should be able to differentiate between them...but i guess somehow when i was growing up...the pain, confusion, suppression, anger, sadness and all sorta mixed it all up for me...turning cold and learned to take my emotions and freeze them so they arent felt by the heart no more...its been deforsting since thou...but somehow, things are just sorta messed and and mixed up...thus, some confusion...needs some revisting and shuffling the puzzle back again...and so, though years have passed by...this block of frozen heart is slowly defrosting and learning with God's guidance and grace, so that i learn, feel and ultimately KNOW what my heart feels and says, know when my mind is being 'used'...its simple yet somehow complicated...i was guided by the light that our heart sometimes tell our minds what to do..and so, we are following our hearts....but on some occasions...our minds just tell us what to do...and it isnt from it heart...i guess in time as im being guided, i will soon understand and learn to tell and feel where thoughts and feelings are coming from cos i know im guided by the Lord, cos i ask and wanna learn...and He knows i need His guidance, and so He says...For now, i will be patient cos i know God is with me and helping me mature with wisdom and Love...for my good...

I guess ive learned so much over the past years, since 2005 end infact...im thankful for all the life lessons learned...til then....Love you all...

*Abouts*

Sometimes, i feel like i dont have to write in my blog cos i feel somehow 'satisfied' or 'contented' or that my feelings are heard...so i need not pen it down...hhmm...but well, i guess i when i feel like writing, my mind just opens and my words flow like a meandering river down a gentle sloping mountain....oooh... love geography...hahaha..
anyways, just wanna share my thoughts...not exactly sure what t title this blog, so shall wait...you know, life's kinda like that... sometimes, we get a head start cos we know the beginning...then slowly achieve things that comes along the way...say for example, writing a compo...we know the title...and we think, and we write about it and stuff...however, i believe life sometimes throw us in the middle of no where, not being able to know where to start, and we just have to start somewhere, in the process we're not sure of what is the reason why we have to go thru an experience we may not understand prior or during...but when we have overcome the obstacle, we then can place the 'title' for that exeprience...haha.. not really sure if my thoughts are flowing comprehensively....but hey, doesnt matter to me...hehaha...

Anyways, i know that i am growing stronger in faith, and in love...and i know it will be good for me....i pray it wont bring along much difficulty in having some people to understand my actions and thoughts...which is a worry, but i guess i shouldnt worry yeah.. leave it in the hands of the Lord... just love that song!! shared alttle with a dear of mine...*winks* id love to share more in time...maybe i'll just share alittle here...hahaha...
"Do not worry over what to eat, what to wear, or put upon your feett.
Trust and pray go do your best today, and leave it in the hands of the Lord, leave it in the hands of the Lord."
Its a really catchy tune...*bouncy bouncy*

alright...i just had a kung bak pau...loved it! i just bought some instant noodles too!! man.. so unhealthy..hahaha...probably gonna have some later... :) new flavours, new brands...hope it taste good... i know it isnt that healthy...its got preservatives and all...man...but i guess once in a while..a blue moon...ahha..havnt eaten instant noodles for ages man...think its a year or so maybe? hahaa...

Ok, lets talk about something else....my purpose in life and my goals....well, wont share much, just the surface, my aspiration, im working towards that, i pray i make more time for it...and well, i do see some progress and yeah, a friend has asked me to try out..and yeah, id love to!! hahaha... first hand experience always comes in handy!! im really excited about it, however, i know i need to practice alot before, though this friend says 'be easy'...but im not..haha..im a perfectionist...to a certain extent...i like to do something well...

Love....im kinda pondering here....not exactly sure why thou...*in thought*
My last post, i shared about warmth and comfort that was familiar...i believe im still feeling it....
somehow somewhere, there's this little dot of emptiness...something that im not getting out of this warmth...im not sure what, but hey, i know that im more comfortable and at ease and i feel it too....i guess it may not be about history now, ok, maybe a tad bit...but i think the more i think about the others that are related, i start to worry and fear if its right...so many questions left unanswered...leave it in the Lords hands to put my heart at ease...
I think what im trying to say here is family traditions...i know i cant say whats right or wrong or better etc...i see it as different ways of life and its a matter of getting used to or if we cant get used to it...somethings got to give...and well, change has to to take place and for change to sorta take place, a stand has to be made and of course it comes with courage and faith that things will work out pleasantly...*i pray* in every family, theres always this "DARK SECRET" that outsiders may not know, even relatives for that matter, cos well, what happens in a family, it stays in the family...even within our immediate family, we have our own dark secrets.. anyways, the point im driving at is...these secrets will soon surface...somehow, someday...and well, ive learned that the hard way...and well, since then, ive been more open to show my 'wild' side to my family, and of course, it takes the rest to understand and be open about such things, like my family...im more of the quiet one...dont show my true passion about the burning 'life' that is readily wants to burst out and just be crazy....so that i dont have to keep that suppressed emotion or burning desire to act on it...cos i feel so much happier when i do, and i need not hide my true self..course there are still somethings i hide...but what im trying to put across is "living" 2 lives or split personality isnt doin us much good...i can empathise with friends who are 'living' it...my best friend was..and still is is guess, but now she has someone she can live it with...
and parents dont really know about it...i guess somethings arent meant to be said ?? or known to someothers?? who knows really??? its all about choices yeah? I guess its not wrong to keep it from parents, for some strong reason...and also not wrong to tell em about the 'secret'...though it may not be very well recieved from the other end, but hey, it will work out in time cos its the truth..and the truth hurts..hurts bad...but i guess in time will see....
i know that i dont want to suppress who i really am (thou i might 'hide' some of it..haha) doesnt mean that cos some people dont approve of me or my actions or words, that i will not be myself... of course with due respect, i believe it was from my past experience that led me to these thoughts of being more open and myself, so that they really do know who i am, or dealing with, and guess its about acceptance and being receptive on the other end.....culture and traditions sometimes do curb 'Love' in this sense...not that its wrong, just if we break down the walls, take away pride and just love as love should be, it would not be that hard to do and see....

On Saturday, i'll be heading off to Sibu Island with my dear colleagues (my department) to a kelong out at sea!! so exciting...and i pray that itd be special and a time for bonding and being myself with my colleagues..get to know them better...
and we gonna FISH!!! hahahaa... think i'll get my colleague to help me bring a rod..id bring a reel...haha..and some hooks ...aiyah..fishing gear..ask my daddy!! hahaha...he knows best!!
I wanna catch a fish!! maybe cook it for dinner or something!! hahahaha....
that reminds me...need to change RM!! :) i cant wait to take photos!!! ahhahaha... :)
Alright... shared enough..time for me to prepare my work for later...till then...*muacks*

Familiar Warmth & Comfort...

So many thoughts, so many choices to be made....Simple yet complicated to an extent when hearts are at mercy...at least for these i face this day....

Relationships....Work Career or Life Career....

Relationships...there comes to a point where we have to make bold decisions, decisions that affect not only the two lives, but the rest that come along with it....the past weeks have a been Great most of the times...id like to see it that way...

Work...i need to get back on track, especially with the most fragile of the essence of teaching...My sec 5 babies....ive been sorta "neglecting' them, most cos its the examination period..however, i sometimes see a need to consult, and i might be laggin behind. I need to get back on track..not for work but for my students...Dear Lord, guide me and give me the drive and talent you have provided me with to help them bring out the best in each of them and guide me in my decision for each of them as your children. Your will Lord.

Back to relationships...Its been since 2004 that ive tried...or least be serious...The past years have also been a grieving, healing and learning process about myself and others...
i believe at certain points during the personal space process, ive felt for certain others in different ways, but never being able to find the comfort and maybe familiarity that my heart seek. There was once thou short lived and painful...and i thought it was the end, somehow it was growing, and at times, it had to be stripped out of my heart due to certain life situations...if you know what i mean...its not cos i wanted to, but more of i had to..for the happiness of myself and mental understanding of the way of life as it was....
Soon years passed and well, things were goin pretty well, my heart was more open to changes, but yet still felt the same emptiness...soon it became tired of it all...
As the year started, things went alright...and soon the heart that i suppressed of feeling, sorta came back...maybe i didnt really strip it off but just kept it so deep cos somehow, i could not bring myself to..or i knew somewhere i had to keep it for a reason...maybe this was the reason?
i started to feel again...*smiles* this time, the comfort that i once felt and seeked, somehow seem to fill up my heart and put it at ease to a certain extent...Though the comfort and ease set in, certain uncertainties also fell into question...pasts and memories linger around......fears and thoughts set in...maybe confusing and complicating matters....good or bad...Only God knows...and i pray love is guided in my heart...
somehow, giving my heart, seems so easy yet difficult at times...knowing that history might repeat itself...certain history doesnt repeat itself...still there lies uncertainties that we can never be certain about...i guess its a risk we all have to take and hardwork and Love, comes along with it....
Recently, things got to a more serious mode, i try to be level headed and grounded to whats real and how i feel...somehow its still alittle confusion

sometimes i think, we're supposed to be single and live life's purpose...is im meant to be single all my life, so be it, and if my vocation in God's will is to be married, my choice guided, then i pray that i have the strength to overcome the obstacles and challenges in a married life....Thoughts then fill my mind and cloud my heart, and confusion sets in...sometimes, leaving me negative...it doenst do any good for me, neither does it help me decide....hhhmmm....which shall i follow? Heart or mind?

I believe that somethings are felt with the heart...some dare to take the risk of getting hurt, where there are many out there who are waiting, some fearing of pain, not daring to try...i fall into the latter....

I too, not exactly waiting...just living my life in the process and when the right one comes along...i pray that my heart will know...that Love is near....

Love and relationships...somehow through understanding whats love, it never fails to keep my interest in learning it all over again...and seeing if it matches up to what we feel, see and do in the present state of life and love.

anyways...of late, its hard to explain certain feelings that come and go as it brings a certain comfort yet at the same time fear....not really uncertainties...just fears of being hurt again...
i guess ive taken a step forward and somehow, though i feel like turning back, i cant..ive got to move forward...
Last night was an example...it felt good...my heart was open and happy...new things were awaiting...im glad things happened the way they did...somehow it felt right...though alittle fearful...i just knew my heart was happy....i felt the same warmth and comfort...i pray that i have found the warmth and comfort that familiar peace and happiness in my heart...in short...Love...

Sporadic...

Today was a busy day... due to procrastination from previous days of ease...
How i recall...days when nothing much was done...though much work had to be done....i was just enjoying the days and seconds that pass by...sometimes quicker then some....

Today, i read, quite a bit...
Today i received quite a bit....To prepare for something great to be fulfilled....to be honest, im afraid of whats to come but the same time excited due to uncertainties, but most of all, somehow i feel that alot more work is to come....i shall keep praying....
I see things fall into place somehow...for me...for others around me....some do realise, some dont...but in time...it will either ways....
Packed with work though, little thoughts....continuous it was soon drained my brain of its juice, and tire my eyes with constant stare of the hundreds of repeated pages almost a hundred times....
My middle finger covered with red ink...
Never fails when i mark assessments.....
Its from a motion pattern during the process, and i think its kinds cool, though it stains my fingers...haha...its alright if...ok...im just spacing and stoning now....my eyes are so drained and sapped of its energy...haha...
its 455pm and almost all my colleagues have gone HOME!!....prob out of 75, im one of the 3 or 5....hahaha....its not really fun... all cos of procrastination....
think my english is kinda bad here...and thoughts are sporadic...
but haiz...doesnt matter for today....
I wanna go home now but somehow it seems like theres something else to do before heading home....or maybe i just need to come back to earth!! haha....kinda spaced out after so much marking!! eyes are blurred and crazy...hahahaha....
well, i need sometime to think now cos the fast pace will come in a day or two, before i know it...im gasping for air again.....

For a moment i was distracted by an appointment and a pesonal commitment...haha....but it doesnt clash....Thank God... :)
This weekend id be super busy with God....hahaha....I mean it....
15th - 18th May....Devotion and Reviving my Spirit!
I look forward to it, but i guess id be missing a dear one too....perhaps for a reason....and good one and a blessing i suppose....

Anyways...i realized quite a number of things over the past week...im sure i missed out certain things in my life...cos of the choices i made...but i know these choices help me to learn...i pray they are right for me and my heart...i know maybe some were not good choices..but i guess ive learned...i need to be stronger! I pray...
ok, im goin back to space mode again...gosh....words and words again....
OKOK... anyways...actually i dun feel like writing anymore....my words arent flowing and theres no meaning now to write here...
i had it at first, but i think i lost it halfway...so i shall not stay.. tmrw's a new day, to find a new way...to focus and not sway....
hahahahahaha... how things rhyme...cool...
okok.. im being strange now for some reason... Koo Koo!!

Sheesh.. ok...*yawnz*
Heading Home now.....*smiles*
Smiling at the thoughts of Love and memories made along the way.....

Betrayal..A Blessing?

Well, everyone or almost everyone has been through some kind of betrayal....be it from friends, people we dont know or even family....
well, it definately compromised and...... the trust from the party who was betrayed...the anger, pain, frustration and even bitterness created is inevitable when it happens...well, thats natural to feel that way...i believe that it is a blessing for us to go thru this times of darkness and pain....probably sounds absurd to many, but hey, life cant be good all the time right? if not it wouldnt be much of a challenge hey? When we are able to find peace and know how to find peace in our hearts, we see it then as a blessing.....

I wanna share about betrayal and maybe some other not-so-good-things that happen in life, seeing them as blessings...blessings in disguise...since young, my family has always had this 'thought' or 'postive mindset' whenever certain bad things happen, we always say, its a blessing in disguise....like something bad happened or something happened to 'block' what was to happen, in order to protect us from being harmed even greater or, to either experience something great in the near future...From something simple like it rained really heavily that we ended up not being able to play the rides at the fun fair...postively, i see it that, well, its probably not meant for me or us to be on the ride on that day itself, it could've ended up with something horrible happening to someone...might sound crazy to think as such or some self-console tactic, but it helps doesnt it? *winks* Others like, my loved one's illness and trauma is a blessing in disguise for the whole family, to find our way back to God, to Love and to Peace and Happiness...isnt it a magnificent blessing!! the amount of pain, guilt, suffering we went thru, were all blessings for us, the people we met along the way, to learn from, to give even at the hardest and to love our enemies, even if it means self-less thoughts for a brief moment....The humble will be made great! :) so many stories to prove that the humble and meek are the greatest in God's eyes...

Of course, when i was younger, i didnt really think much of it in terms of the future, cos as a child, what parents say, we usually take after and carry the traits of either and both parents somewhat....
well, it was when i became much older and wiser and more spiritually grounded that things, life, acceptance fell into place in regards to acceptance and understanding of life's journey, both good and bad...
For those who have read my earliest blogs about a miracle in my life (my family's life) would understand what im trying to convey here...
I always believe that things happen for a reason, good and bad, they are all for my good, our good, a greater good....ive relfected and revisited my life's journey's past memories (happy and sad moments of course) and well, im blessed to say that i do not regret anything i did, i did feel remorseful and pray to be forgiven, not only by God, but by friends or people around me... Im blessed because of all the good and bad things i have experienced. People betraying me for one, its really hard to see why we have to forgive them when they did something horrible to us when we are innocent...that was how i felt in the past, and i felt so darn bitter about how i was feeling and the anger that was raging but noone could see...i learned to forgive and forget as best as i can, and i find peace with in...cos when i started, i grew more love within....and thats all that matters isnt it? we just need to find the courage and humility to GIVE EVEN MORE WHEN IT HURTS THE MOST, or when we least feel like giving....That's sacrifice and humility...

Well, for example, enemies, its human to not want the best for them or laugh at them when things befall them or be happy when things dont go their way etc...you get my drift yeah, BUT it is when we can bring ourselves to do good to or for them even after them causing the anger, pain, frustration, that we can realise God's wonders of Loving and Living, finding the PEACE we need...it took me since 1997 to 2004 or 2005, to relfect, realise and see how life pieced itself together for me and my famly and i saw the whole picture of why things happened the way the did, the ups, downs with life threatening events, and im grateful they happened, for it to be what we are, who we are and to become as a family, and to know who i am, and will be in the future...i would've still been 'lost' if it were not to be....Thats why......Long story.....

If we can find the courage no matter how small, and put our pride aside, for just a moment, we will be able to see things with a clear mind and heart, and find peace in our dealings...we will see life with a whole new perspective...This God promises ALL OF US....to See that life's journey is a blessing no matter what obstacles or tyrannts we face in life that bring great disappointments and bitterness in life, we always look forward to what these bring more for us in the future ahead ofus...I know thru these, bring Life with Happiness, Peace and Love...

Sweet Somethings....

May Day, i read a colleagues email on the origin of May day...there was too much to read and i for one dont like reading like history or stuff like that unless they interest me... like how social psycho, or human psycho or like human behaviour...really really interesting..ahaha..anyways... heres the gist of May Day..
'Is a celebration of the social and economic achievements of the international labour movement.'

well, it was a good day..My family went out for breakfast at LJS, we love th BF there... haha...we had it at TP entertainment centre...guess it was the nearest LJS around our area...then we headed to J8 to get tix for IRON MAN...was a pretty neat show to watch..and yeah, was cool la...
But not the whole family was out...my jie was at her friends place...well, she didnt know the plans so yeah, she made plans on her own, if not it wouldve been a whole family affair thing..like how it used to be years back...but well, im still grateful and blessed how God works in my family's life...
*winks*
He's been around since we were all created...He helped my family grow from nothing into something and more that has yet to come..i believe...i see...but we need to be guided to follow what's to come and become....if not we'll be misguided and we fall....come to think of it...i had this dream... it was not a good dream but i take it as a warning dream..to warn me of my conscience and my actions lately...
let me share it with you...it was a dream of finding something, it was my kindergarten for some reason, i figured why i dreamt of that..i was going back or needed to go back to the basics...to me it means, i was running deep into some misguide, and i needed to get back to who i was before..like to cleanse myself from something worldly...you may not understand what i mean or think its silly, but those who do, good for you...ok, there were many things that happened...
while trying to find this place, i encournterd alot of obstacles...first, i was driving, and was at a junction, sudddenly, there was this big wave that came from infront and i thought it wasnt goin to hit me, but it did...the weird thing was, the next moment from being in the car, i was standing like 100 metres viewing the sight from the right side of my car..i saw the wave pushing and crushing it halfway but somehow it was protected by God...and i was like oh dear, how can i get out of this....then scene changed...i was still getting to the destination, i thought i knew how to cos i remembered but i didnt, then i went into a different path which i thought i was parallel to the road i was supposed to take, which seemed to take me there but somehow it didnt...i got lost...i called my mom and asked for help...she explained it to me...then i followed the instructions, along the way there were obstacles....
and these obstacles to be honest, were my past dreams which frightened the hell out of me...ok, maybe i share with you one of my 'hair-raising-send-cold-shivers-thru-my-whole-body kinda dream....
Lets side track for a while...In the old dream, i dreamt that i had to get somewhere, and i found this forested area, which made a broad path lined by huge trees, for me to walk thru, it was really dark and eerie place and i knew that when i walked thru this, there were evil spirits lurking and ready to come forth toward me...and as i walked thru, i was running as fast as i could but it was so hard and tiring and i never seemed to be moving forward thru to the end of it...you know the feeling like at end of the race of 400m, legs are too tired that they just cant be lifted any higher or strengths to even go faster...at this point, when i knew there were spirits among the trees and coming forward to harm and chase me, cold shivers FILLED my body literally and i woke up, my whole body cold and scared shit i tell you! i prayed and prayed...cos it felt SO real!......anyways.. this was one of the dream scene that appeared in this most recent scary dream...

ok, where was i?....hhmm...i tried finding my kindergarten, and obstacles, like seeing this familiar scary place almost brought the shivers again in my dream, but this time, i felt the cold rush stop at my hands and arms only....i was determinded, i started 'flying' up over the dark trees...but i was struggling really hard...then halfway, i almost lost my flight and i saw another of my scary dream scene 2, and i even struggled more to go higher...as high i as could go with as much might as i could give...i was flying to my kindergarten...then i thought i was lost...but i saw the vacinity...i landed, soon to realise that it was abandoned, and it moved else where, i was so discouraged and afraid cos i knew what was behind me...i was afraid to go back, so i walked and saw a man, asked him and he helped me...said its nearby, just up ahead... then i somehow remembered that yeah, i knew it moved and know where it was...i walked and reached it, then across the road to it, there were parliment people...were all in white, they seem good...and i was with them on the same side of the road...i was somehow relieved...i believe they were there to judge me for what i have done...then i met someone familiar to walk with me across, but cant quite remember who now...i crossed the road when the traffic light changed...in a way i felt safe....and then i woke up...when i awoke, i felt like i neednt go back to sleep to continue the dream, i knew that was what i needed to dream for now...weird feeling but i trust it....

I guess from this dream, it had many signs to my conscious awake life....let me interpret it...

1. Finding kindergarten, Going back to basics, where i first learned whats good and how to be good...in reality, i need to find it...go back to my faith...to God...
2. Many obstacles - The difficulties and temptations in my life that ive fallen into sin for which brought or brings great struggles in my life...and has squeezed out strengths in me to make me weaker and soon fall into sin again..downward spiral...but also tests my faith in God...which brings me back to life again....
3. Watching from afar my car being crushed by waves, i was "saved" and i was there to watch what could happen to me, 'die' if i stayed in the car and not move or choose the right path...
4. Revisting old 'cold-shiver' dreams...but this time i overcame them - means i fell in to sin again but now, i am stronger and had more faith to overcome them physically and mentally...spiritually, thats another story....but it was a struggle...
5. Struggling - taking the wrong path (Sin) gave me struggles which i couldnt almost overcome...my thinking was that i can overcome my struggles, which is not wrong interpretation, but i guess i figured, that its cos of sin that WILL BRING ME struggles and will lead me astray from my purpose in life....which i dont want that to happen...
6. Getting lost in life and then getting help from people around and family and friends - I get lost when i choose a different path...wrong path (bad path - SIN) when i do get lost, God gives me helpers and signs along the way to bring me back to the light or the right path, goin back to basics...though it was a struggle to get off the wrong path....
7. Parliment people in white - angels that are to judge me and also help me...shield me from my past and build a wall so i dont fall back into the darkness again...
8. Reaching my destination safe...God will always be there to guide us thru life...even if we sin, He will always be there to guide us safely back, BUT with FREEWILL to choose to go back to Him...we will reach our destination and our goals in life....

moral of the story, its a warning of my actions in reality..Even if i think i can over come the obstacles when i fall into sin and darkness, there's are many many times where i could fall back and be misguided to fail in life, thru the tough struggles faced as consequences...to warn me that i will lose track of my purpose if i continue to 'sin' and i will not reach my purpose that has been planned for me with God's Love.....it's a blessing that im physically and mentally capable as a person...but then again when it comes to sin and life, its NEITHER Physical or Mental capabilities that will win this race...its' being Spiritually strong in my faith that will take me thru....well, there you go...my dream... weird but true... :) i Need more faith, strength and courage to help me....So i pray.....