A baby's love...or two...

Today felt so empty throughout the day... I'm not sure if it's the hormonal changes I'm going through or is it my broken heart healing...
The past week has been so numb for me...what am I to do but hide my feelings with a mask so familiar to me since 10 years ago.... Never thought I'd come to use it again...I guess I never really threw it away, and tucked it under the carpet arms length away...
This baby loves you..so does the innocent baby who's life is on the way to light...your flesh and blood...
Why did it have to come to this?? In all honesty, I ask God the same question over and over again... Two ways it goes... Either to test our love for each other through tough times... Or a sign for me to see if I'm blinded by my own will and desires that I thought were good for me, but it signs the opposite...but in life, there's usually not only two ways... A third maybe, to love myself more, to respect myself more...to not be afraid to be who I am, to speak from heart and not be afraid that I'll be judged, and even if I'm judged, i stand firm to the values of life and in time, others will see the values of life I so firmly believe...not crumble and be afraid...and not to please just because....

I went for a really expensive therapy session of releasing... Everyone needs it... I need more of it, but I can't afford a second...I need to prioritize my finances at this point cos of the life to come...
Just wanted to share a little some thing....
I was asked why and how did I put up with such pain, "torment" of disrespect and the things I went through.. I was silent for a while...I couldn't find an answer....then, though I didn't say...in my heart was because I love. It was God's love that pulled me through to keep going...
Could I have taken more? Logically, no. So I left. It was the last straw when it hit me, and how it hit me literally...the one that claims to love and mean so much, hit me...logically should I stand for that? No. I wouldn't...it could happen again... I can't trust because of what u did... Since you broke it, you fix it and make it better and not throw it back at me!! That what I can't understand and what u are blinded to.. Your own consequences of your own actions...instead you put the consequences you are to face upon others and u believe it's your right.... That's insane, crazy, unreasonable, irresponsible, cowardice and heartless for you to do that... Knowing that I'm in the state I am in just cos of your doing... If you were in my shoes, u will feel trapped and victimized for the right that was done... It doesn't make sense at all...
And all I can do is hurt so much more, needing to protect my heart time and time again...I give it all and it comes back battered and bruised... Needing Gods healing and time... And you don't even bother to be responsible in healing it... How can this go on?? If I let it continue, I am not helping you...instead I am indirectly encouraging you....I'm scared to love you...and I can't do this anymore...
I love you and believe in you... And maybe it's time I really let go...let God take care of you instead, because I can't...I can't cos I'm human...i can't love you cos I am hurting so much... Letting you go isn't loving you less, it's loving you more... We love you daddy... If u want to stay around or if you want us around, then commit to change in your ways...
All I can say is I do love you.....i miss you...