Trust...

What makes us not trust someone or something?
Pains and traumatic experiences we went through?
A Need to see before we believe and trust what we see?
The need to know that, that something is a "sure-winner" and we then trust?
Just an innate belief that we just have with no answer? (More likely in children)
From what we were taught and how we were brought up?
What?
My take, from experiences...im sure most will agree with me...haha...*winks*
We learn, we get hurt, we gain knowledge.. we dont do things or go near things or people that hurt us...cos we are afraid to hurt again and want to hide or run away from the pain...
Painful hearts....Trust is dampened..(Its not so much physical pain im referring to...but emotional pain)

Well, It shouldnt be the case....its crazy to say or see...but when we are hurt, that is when we should put it out there... vulnerability is something that God could use to help us grow in maturity and spiritually....cos its when we are frankly truthful to ourselves, thats when we realise life's lessons to be learned....The pains and sufferings we go thru is not as trying as the one Christ went thru...We have our own crosses to carry and the load we have planned out for us is never too much for us to handle...Given God's grace, we will get thru it...so Trust more even if it hurts....hhmm...its hard to say at times..i agree...i still choose to trust when i want to.. hahaha...

I trust too easily, i used to think and i know...i guess when i was younger, i trusted more easily and readily...i still do...my thoughts, i believe that i can trust you until you you break that trust...then again, there is a guard up for certain people we meet...is that not trust? or is it just a gut feeling that we get thru our sixth senses...or is there a psycholgical explanation behind this? complicated when we rope in more thoughts and questions...when we start to think, we feel more and when we feel more, somehow or rather i guess we tend to be in protective mode, either for ourselves from others or protect others from others....
Why? what is it that made or makes that "wall" trust...
We need to trust others...if they wanna take advantage..let them.. they will be dealt with...i know it sounds kinda silly when we know that we can do something about it when we are taken advantage of...but why? to get back at someone cos they hurt you? They would already be hurting yourself in the long run with out you knowing..sub-consciously it left a mark cos of the pain imprinted....
So should we let this get to us? Because of what someone did to us to hurt us so badly, you then again take it out on others who come along? is that fair? of course i understand that,
but when we learn to forgive and open our hearts to others around, then only do we gain more trust with ourselves and the people around us... share thoughts and feelings...thats what builds relationships...bonds, rapport...ultimately.. Love....
I fear...that is my weakness that i need to overcome...

A Miracle...A Reason...

This is an experience that my family and I went thru...a Miracle and a reason behind it that we didnt see and only set in and realised only after 7-8 years...
This blog entry is a continual from my previous blog so read that first to understand why im writing this...

This is about my brother who is aged 16 this year..taking his N levels...he wouldnt be here today if not for God..a Miracle and choice that God gave my brother...

When my brother was age 7, he was diagnosed with hypertension and his rare disease, fibromuscular dysplacia, (weakening and thickening of vessels/artery in any part of the body.. in my bros case, thinning in his brain vessels which caused the anuresms, and thickening at his main artery to his right kidney) its a long story about his disease...its a lifelong disease which requires lifelong medication...He had brain haemorrage.. he had 2 minor bleeds prior which caused a severe headache when it happened.. the third put him into a coma...for 8 days...many things happened...it has been long since i recounted this...but i remember it very clearly...

It was an ordinary night..1oth December 1997, about 2am-3am...my parents were asleep with my brother...what was weird (which at that time it wasnt) was that 3 of us sisters were up talking...usually it doesnt happen often...then... we heard our brother scream in pain...we all rushed to the room.. my parents got up to pacify him...he was sub-conscious..we thought it was just a bad dream...then he sorta woke up and went to puke...convulsion...at this point of time, we still didnt know it was serious..what happened next was, we lay him on my parents bed, and tried to wake him up..it was weird... i felt like something was wrong...i was like how come he couldnt get up? or wake up.. then my mom said let him sleep..then what happened next just put everyone quiet for about 2 seconds.. then chaos and panic...while he was breathing, it seemed like something was lodged up his wind pipe (larynx)...and seemed like it would block the passsage way...and then the unthinkable happened...he stopped breathing.. like a balloon deflating.. like all life and breath just oozed out like a sigh...then his lips turned pale... at this point of time we knew something was wrong...my eldest sis called out "call ambulance"do CPR.. my twin sis went to the phone in the hall...and in a panic she thought 911...at this point, my eldest sis also called out do CPR! (which was supposed to be mouth to mouth resusscitation..haha too long anyways...) and i was next to him..for some reason, i was calm and i knew what to do...i did what i saw on 911, the American series...(all in about 5-10 secs) sis and i checked his pulse, he had a pulse "phew"...i lifted his head to align his air passage, squeezed his nose and blew into his mouth....to be sure ...i blew twice...think it got rid of what was stuck in the air passage...then he started breathing again...his lips became pick again... but i guess he was already unconscious...it was happening all so quickly.. my mom and dad were the ones in shock and didnt know what to do... we decided to carry him down to wait for the ambulance to come... all mom could do was to hold him and carry him.. and my dad.. all he did was wear his pants!...to think of it right now..it was a very comical scene...then we headed down to KK.. mom followed bro in ambulance...and dad drove us all in the car...or van.. cant rem...but along the way...my father did what he does when things go wrong...*will leave this out for privacy and respect* we reached KK...we waited outside the emergency unit for news...my dad again...anyways...he was rushed to the ICU to see the brain surgeon...we waited outside the ICU...for hours...it was like forever...then the doc came out and spoke to my mom... i really think she was strong to take the info and make a decision for this time...She is a very mentally strong person i must say... then things happened..another story to tell.. anyways...she had to decide to operate or not... doc said, 50% chance that he'd pull thru..and doc might even abandon halfway thru the op if the brain is too swollen...

my mom broke the news to my relatives soon after he was wheeled into OR...slowly they came streaming into the ICU...where we waited for i cant rem how many hours...8 or 9 i think...during this time, my uncle spoke to my twin sis and i to be ready if he didnt make it thru...in my heart i was like "dont say that" he will make it thru...i was only 15 /16 years old then and it didnt sink as deep as it should...i guess i can call it "numb"...at some point i think he was sent to TTS hospital for some scanning.. cant recall...hard to put events in order...
weird and crazy things happened while waiting during the OP, i cant even remember the sequence of how things happened..that was how delusioned i was...what more for my mom...my mom said she saw or felt the presence of her parents...goin in and out of the ICU...talking to her when she was asleep...other things as well...

we all waited outside this OR.. like in the movies...it was such a quiet moment..and so many people...about 20 odd people...my eldest sis was embraced and comforted with he bf, my mom with my aunt..and me, i think my uncle.. cant rem...anyways...it brought good news and bad news...the doc didnt give up although his brain was so swollen, he still went ahead and his reason was, he was still young so he tried...bad news was, he was in stage 8 comatose...(the 2nd last stage of comatose..means no pupil dialition response...he may never wake up or if he does, he could be a vegetable or wouldnt remember us...)

Then as he was wheeled into the ICU room for "recuperation".... thats when things got crazy... she fainted as soon as she spoke to the doc about his condition...a nurse brought a wheel chair...my mom went alittle berzerk...she started "talking to" my bro...like a mad person would do...she wasnt herself...other details will be left out....i guess i wouldnt ever understand what she was going thru as a mother...and the pain and guilt etc...but that was the first time things were haywired for my family...it was the start of the life that we had to go thru...

we spent many days outside the ICU...we slept outside at the waiting area, we brought like quilts and pillows etc... the ICU was like our second home...We couldnt tell day from night cos we left the hospital to take our necessary needs...we only had our watches to tell..
anyways...in his coma..we spoke to him, how he should be strong, my mom was beside him every moment to be there for him, she never left him(cept for toilet breaks)...he was under so many drugs...high dosage of morphine...and many more...My family prayed and prayed for the first time as a family...called in priests and just a prayer group came down to pray for us...it was such a blessing....on the 7th day...he started to show some sign of waking up..his finger moved..he didnt really need the respirator or at least could tell he was breathing for himself..i think....the nurse and doctor was surprised and hopeful...it was a miracle!! my mom said even if he was a vegetable, it woud be ok.. so long as he wakes up...

my eldest sis and mom were there... then he opened his eyes...he had the respirator in his mouth so he couldnt talk...we asked him stuff if he could rememeber...to blink his eyes etc... and he could remember!! Us....we were in tears of joy...my mom explained what happened to him and where he was etc...so he would understand...it was a miracle that he woke up and a miracle that he remembers almost everything...Thank God and Praise the Lord...

when the respirator was removed and was more able to talk...my eldest sis and mom were there...the first question that my brother asked my mom was, "where are we? are we dead?" are we angels...my brother had a near death experience..he said he saw a very bright light...calm, peace etc...he met God and had a conversation with him...wont go into that, my story is already very long...the gist was God gave my brother a choice...to stay in heaven(peace, love and eternal life) or to go back down to earth and suffer his medical condition...my brother chose us..he said he could see my mom crying and sad from where he was up there...thats why he chose to be back..i guess thats when he woke up...

anyways...from this...we were all saddened and asked why him?... why not me? he still had his life to go thru...physical activities were out of the question... dietary habits to change.. alot more...he couldnt do alot of things...long story....
THIS HAPPENED FOR A REASON... many many reasons....

1. I know that what i learned from this was alot of patience...i used to be quick tempered...i was more tolerant...so i am what i am now..
2. More appreciative of life and people...it starts to "die off" after a while....and back to our "take-for-granted" life...
3. Bring us closer as a family.. to pray together...be more open and share our life events together...feelings etc...it brought us closer but not as close...it also "died-down"...
4. Go back to church and praise and bring us closer to God...didnt really work for years...
5. few more....

anyways...years passed...filled with worries...pain...silent pain...guilt and making up for past losses...no thanks for God after a while.. i speak for myself....went to poly...brother back in school... hard to cope...cos he forgot his primary school work..of 2 years.. he had to start from scratch...etc..

notice we didnt have God in our lives as much as he wanted us to...i forgot about him... it was only during personal crisis that i looked for him...or called out to him...this was the way of life that i was leading.. the way of the world.. worries, paranoia..etc...

What else came from this...recently in 2005 aug-sept...things changed for the worse again... a battle between God and Satan...to test our Faith in God...only to get better...and for the good of our spiritual life...it was my brother again...now spiritual happenings started...take note.. this happened during the 7th month.. so you can imagine what could have happened...it carried on for 2 months.. it was like a struggle for my brother, and the whole family...Another Long Story...i have shared some parts of the story with my close friends...probably to testify that God is real...

During this time, i was filled with Guilt, fear, worry, confusion etc...ontop of this events, my work stresses and personal struggles etc...it was alot to handle...but i did...because from this i saw a reason...a reason for things that i have to go thru in life...my life changed...

It was only in September or November thru this experience with God and all his Goodness and Love and presence that changed my life... the way i live and think...My spiritual faith in God deepened very much...He has become an everyday focus & priority of my life...(at least i try to...) God is now put in front and definately thought of alot more and thankful for all the little things in life..and well, alot more others...

1. I moved on from my past hurt...i could let go of my pain, anger etc...
2. I was less worried...more thankfu etc...
3. Prayed more...Amazing others... self explanatory...those who know me would know...
4. Brought our family closer...we should be praying together more but i guess its weird.. wasnt part of history to pray together...we should get over it and try thou...will see how...its how we feel i guess that we're not doin it...hhmm.. sorry God...
5. Attending mass on sunday...Goin to church for mass was different...it has now become very part of me...
6. Sharing God with others.. being more open about Him...hoping God to touch their lives too..

it is hard... i guess what i want you to see is that..it took so much pain and suffering to see the reason behind my brothers experience that affected our own....it took 7 years for us to see and build our Faith (at least it took me that long for my faith in God.. cant speak for the rest of family... probably earlier for sis)...Like the Father said today during mass... "building faith is a slow process"...it comes with pain and suffering....

I believe my brother is God sent to our family..an "accident" brought to our family...for a reason...to bring us closer to God..thru event in our lives...

So those who are feeling hopeless or at least wondering why this world is filled with cruelty and hatred...this is the Way Of The World...we should start living The Way of Christ... then we will see the path and reason... we do become complacent and fall back (pain etc...)...but we should always move forward again...we will be happier and find peace, love and joy in the pain and sufferings we go thru...we suffer and go thru pain as Christ did...have Faith in our Father and walk the path to salvation....with God guiding us and giving us strength every step of the way...

Thank you God for your guidance thus far...i pray for my friends who are suffering and i pray that you be with them and feel your presence so that they may build more faith in you...

God Bless you reading my blog....cheers!!

Thoughts...

I just read a blog...it wasnt one that made me feel happy or smile about...it was filled with so much hate...sometimes i feel like, what is it that's making them so unhappy about or what has caused them to be so filled with hatred or animosity against others...there's this feeling that i just want to make this person feel better..i just want this person to see that its not all that bad...and there are reasons why we go thru them...and no amount of "running away" would help until we help ourselves and help others around...we "feed" others to feed ourselves...it is very true...im talking about emotions...positive emotions, when we feed emotions to feel emotions that make us happy, we make others around us happier too...but we do it not cos it will make us happier...but when it makes someone happier, it automatically makes us happier isnt it? confused? anyways...we should put others before self(majority of the time).. thats what i believe...and sometimes it has its ups and downs..but long term intangibles are hard to get when we think about ourselves first....

Reason why im sharing my thoughts is because if this blogger so happen to chance upon my blog, id like to share with him my experiences and thoughts..not to change the bloggers mindset but at least have this blogger read...maybe just be in thought...its the readers choice to choose...im here to share and spread the Love that hopefully spread more Love in peoples hearts...

Its gonna sound really "textbook" for those readers out there...its all the in mind...if you think positively, things usually work out positively...even if it doesnt, it will someday with a power beyond comprehension...this statement is positive built on positivity..and it changes the mindset...havent we been in situations where we have been negative and things do turn out negative no matter how much we hope it turn out positive? cos in the first place, we started with negativity... No, im not claiming that i am positive everyday for everything I do in life..No...of course we have our negative moments and times where we feel like shit and all...but hey...who's gonna pick us up when we fall? WE ARE... there will be family or friends or even passerbys that would help us up but we have to make that start ourselves....we have a choice...positivity breeds positivity...i try to be...ive learned...it took me many years with pains and hurts to overcome and realise and still learning...and we constantly go through pain..but it ALL WORKS OUT...it does in some way thru powers that we have no control over...

I was in church this morning, listening and in thought about what was shared from the readings and the priest...we are in this world to suffer and feel pain just like Christ did...we have to carry our own crosses to walk with Jesus...we need to have faith..what good is it when we have faith but dont do good deeds? when we understand why we have lives for...why are we living? how come we have lives? what is your answer or thought?

We are living to accomplish a mission...to ultimately have enternal life with God...no matter what religion we are or believe in...i believe that so long as we do good for others (not primarily for ourselves) and have faith in God...i believe that we all go to heaven when we choose to...if you choose to live the way of the world and decide to stay in this world and not give up everything for God...then i say think wisely...

You are where you are now, yes, because of our parents..but we are actually where we are now because of God...he has planned it for us...we just need to follow the way of Christ... which is to suffer and bare pain...he did that with no complains...what we are goin thru now or even the most terrible situation we have been in is little/less compared to the pain and suffering Christ had to go thru carrying His cross...he was spitted on, insulted, tortured etc...but he believed in His Father and His mission for salvation of everyone that believed in the Lord...he had faith..a faith so strong that He died for us to save us...

He didnt promise us a painless life...a trouble free life...no...so i guess whatever pains that you are goin thru, You will have the strength to pull it thru when u have the Faith in God that he has a reason...sometimes we ask or pray so hard and religiously for things to get better..and they dont...we wait for years...but we are still suffering the same fate...you may not see it now or at this moment, but have Faith and hold on to God that He has the answer we are looking for.. we need to be patient...
I think i will share a story so that we can understand better...and know where im coming from...

I will share a story about my brother and his reason for being here and the reason why my family had to go thru this in my next blog...

Attachment...Possessions...

Have you heard people say or even you feel..."This item has sentimental value, i cannot lose it" or when we lose something thats so precious, we brood over it for days and sometimes to the extent of hurting someone we love? like getting into a quarrel, because we're so "into" finding something or feeling the loss of something we like or are attached so fondly to... and even relationships...we want to hold on to them cos it means/meant so much to us...well, i used to be and sometimes still am....but better...now, sometimes when i lose things or have to throw away items of sentimental value...im ok with it...its all in the heart i guess...

ive learned to realise that when i started to get to know God.. or well, at least I experienced God indirectly...I know for sure, that when i knew God more and that He is REAL, most of my hurt and pain from my first relationship was taken away..it was about 1 year since...and "aha" i could let it go..completely...for some weird reason, it just made sense... i was happier...and i felt good..its funny how it was so easy...i guess He touched my life and made me learn...that attachment is something that we need to know when to let go and still be strong cos He WILL Give us the Strength to move on the pain and loss...most of my worries and paranoia left me...even some fears..and it has lightened my load...ive also come to learn that attachments somehow surface our insecurities we have...and we actually don't realise it during that time of frustration, paranoia, thoughts, anger, sadness when we've lost something...but its only after sometime when we gain experience and realise that these attachments are just "things"...they are possessions that make us feel secure...but why do they have that effect? i guess its the experience that we went thru "with" it...that made an impact so we treasure it...

well... the point im getting to is that...we can feel attached to objects and physical items...but we must also learn not to be too attached to them.... we have to go thru "detachment" from our earthly possessions and just be "bare"...its good to be able to detach ourselves from earthly possessions...
it is really very hard...i do find it hard too at times....haha.. esp items that i really have ALOT or feelings for...shoes...haha..people, loved ones...anyways, ive learned to not buy them...somehow, "something" tells me..not to buy them..clothes, shoes etc...cos it'll be a possession more to what i already have...and thats not good...hahaha...
"Live as Simply as you can..."...this was a message that was sent from God...like to live as simply as we can now..the less we have.. the less attachment we have... the easier it is for us to give it up..and I believe that our belief in God Is the main "pull" factor to be able to overcome this attachment...because when He comes...the second coming of Christ, we have to leave everything behind...i guess even money...these are possessions that we "cant" live without on this earth as we speak...like computers...i can live without one..but becos my job requires one, i cant live without it...sometimes handphone (this i can live without...i really can..its a matter of convenience only) and the list goes on etc...but will you be able to "give it up"....ALL of your personal possessions for God? even money? like would you be able to donate all your savings to a charity organization or just leave it behind? He made you...you came into this world with nothing...we leave with nothing.. heard this before? probably many a times... well...When you meet God one day and He gives you the choice...what will it be?

if you ask me...i do know mine...its sometimes difficult to give up everything for someone, let alone God, someone we 'cant' "see" (seeing is believing, its hard to believe cos we don't see..so we dont trust as much...familiar feeling? I do trust and believe in God...) well.. its a choice... free will...no matter race, religion, etc...we're all the same...we still ultimately will be with GOD...just one universal God..so i believe we all go to heaven when we choose to and are able to give up everything for Him.....Free Will, one of the greatest Gift that God gave us...comes with many values and responsibilities too...Will you be ready to make that choice? What will be yours when He comes? (';')

God Bless....