Happiness..Giving without Expectations

I was with a friend of mine, shared about happiness, at least i knew i wanted to share my thoughts cos i know this friend of mine wants to find happiness....

Not that im a guru of finding happiness or if im entirely right...they are just my opinions and my experiences that brought a bundle of happiness in my life!

well, Ive already put up a short post on it but hopefully someone or this friend of mine does...
anyways, reason why i wanted to share was cos i care....i want my friends to be happy...i want people around me to be happy... sometimes ive even learned to wish happiness for my enemies...it comes to a point where, i believe that to really feel happy is to pray and be happy for that person, from the heart with no intentions of being happy myself... get me here?

well, for example, i want to help the old lady cross the street when i see that she's having some difficulty, i have this urge to help, and yeah, i go help...thats great! and then happiness somehow fills the heart with love and appreciation...thats good, but when it comes to a point where, one does something good for someone, in order to feel good or reap some other benefit in return, then the good deed is just a void....you get what i mean? cos we are still thinking about OURSELVES here....think for a moment and relfect on this...it may be alittle difficult at first cos we may be defensive or blinded by our own feelings about being humble and helpful etc....reflect and ask yourself, why did i want to help the person? "cos i want to relief the suffering of that person" but if the answer continues to either 'cos it was so that i could get on with things more quickly' then there! your answer says you're doing things for your benefit, not entirely the someone alone... get the drift?

well, it may be difficult to understand or master this reflective mode, cos it is thru reflection that we find meaning and reasons for actions and reactions in life..not just descriptive sharings about emotions reflected...we need to go deeper in our hearts...and find the reasons behind reflection sincerely trying to better oneself that is worth the time...being true and honest with ourselves with no self denial...thats true reflection....

We think that so long as we get what we want, the latest phone, clothing, apparel designer goods and what have you, to make you feel good...or buying people things to show whatever feelings you need to satisfy, like buying a meal for someone just to show that you're nice and can afford it or whatever your reason is(but if you mean it then, by all means, just sometimes we are blinded by certain insecurities that we do not see as 'selfish' at that particular point...which could be related to being self-centred, and thinking about oneself...weird but true...go reflect....)....but then i tell you honestly and bluntly, thats not a way to find happiness...buying material goods or services isnt a surefire way to get True Happiness....to a minute extent it gives short term happiness, short lived...yeah, it makes you feel 'happy'...but then what? so it means that i need to buy someone something more expensive to feel good? i tell you, your pocket will be crying its threads out if this is the case...yes, im not saying dont but gifts for loved ones...by all means do..but dont buy something that you cant afford for heaven's sake...it doesnt make you that happy at all too isnt it?? the happiness, it doesnt last, you want something more! even something better, yeah, i say thats human...we have a tendency to do that, however, we must realise and understand that these are all material wants, and theres always so much we can give..theres a limit, cos we have limits for our money....

I want to share this personal feeling, and yeah, im still somehow in question with myself...
i got my bonus, it was a pretty good one if i compare it to those who have less...thou if i want to see it in another way, its not what i deserve, i deserve better for all that ive done compared to somewho do less and get more...of course i feel so 'shit'...definately, BUT WHOS to say that i didnt deserve it? me! when i got my bonus, i was somehow happy, that i had that more in my account...but there was a stronger feeling of emptiness that filled me and dissatisfaction of like, no matter what i do, i will never be good enough...i cnat find an explanation yet...and also ive tried to figure this weird and new emotion out...i thought i did...but when i shared it with my best friend, somehow it was not IT...so im still searching for that reason to fill that emptiness and dissatisfaction...and when i do...i shall share it...*haiz*

anyways, frankly, i was someone who was just like that, about more than 5 years back...i used to think that i need to dress well, put up a good image, get myself things to make me feel good, cos i was feeling bitter about my life (which i didnt think i was, till God came into my life)...and not that i dont try to look good or dress well, i still do but much less with more modesty...ahaha...and thats when God found me, or when i found God, Love was put back into my life and helped me to see things, myself, others from a different light....i was so inspired and so many things changed in my life!

Let's look at it this way...we have limits to our resources... money for one...we cant spend what we dont have or know we cant afford...right? so what is so rich, that we can give ALL the time without losing any?? LOVE (you might say, we lose love when we lose a loved one, a bf, or someone close, are we really losing love?? i tell you, honestly, NO...we have too much of it to lose any...think about it, we just lose someone who loved us or we love...we dont lose love...Love is always in our hearts...some just hidden away...well....Love is God...God is Love...Love is Free...God gave us love...freewill...God gives us things that never ends....life that never ends...it continues....Life after death...which is also life after life...
God knows our every weakness and needs, He gives us things for the better, sometimes he takes people, or things away our lives for our good... for our Happiness, for us to Grow in 'LIFE'...He wants us to be happy, now same analogy, which parent wouldnt want that for his/her child right? (at least the majority of parents, some just need help to help their child but just dont see the need...sad but true...*winks*) anyways... yeah....

Just to share, one of the small changes, that changed my life wonderfully was to think of others more....(not interms of generosity or being a sting or anything, was more of, thinking about oneself in feelings too much....) what hit me was this sentence i recalled when i was in in teens, about 16 or 17, " dont think that you're the only person going thru this!, there are others out there feeling the same thing, or even worse off!"
I realised that i cared mostly for myself, how i felt, why am i so alone, why is it that i only have what i do, why isnt my life happy like it used to be...how come people dont like me, why am i treated this way, why do i get all the shit work, why do i have to work so much and get paid so little? why this, why that and the list goes on and on.....if you realise, its just a small issue, blown out of proportion...it seems so huge, cos thats all we think about, thats why.....all theses points to only ONE THING...WHY ME?? its all about 'ME'.. all i thought about was myself...and guess what? it didnt make me feel any better...it made me feel more miserable and ever more alone, thinking that people just would dislike me if i showed how i really felt, or who i really am... anyways.....another example, people who work..this is an example, thats if people want to compare and think that they're much worse off and ought to be paid more than what they are earning...thinking to highly of oneself...well, i'll site you my example...people think being an educator is easy...or like we work from 7 to 2pm... oh please...we do ALOT of other things besides teaching hours...teaching hours alone is already pretty packed with work, like lesson plans, lesson activities, student work, preparing ppt slides, interactive games or activities that are student centred etc...and much more i tell you and this is just the teaching part... teachers still do have to run CCAs for students, manage students, organize camps, liaise with external companies or internal vendors to conduct these activities and workshops...stretch students who have potential by creating avenues for performance or external activities to build leadership qualities, send for competitions, performances, managing finances, budeting, logistics and so much more, AND...committee, planning sch activities (which external vendors can actually be utilized that sch cant seem to provide budget for).. and besides this, theres ALOT ALOT ALOT more...hahaha...i shall stop here...and move on...well, then i look at myself and ask, there are alot of people out there who are worse off than what im doing..either underpaid or paid alot with tonnes and tonnes of work and responsibilities...however true that is...i still see it positively, that the skills that i acquire, i use for my future and what God has planned for me to be ready for and to do...cos after all, im managing, and learning so many new things...and i believe they are for my growth for my purpose and my life! and i am seeing it happen....thats why it deepens my faith and trust in the lord...and well, i do fear Him when i sin especially...haha...
anyhows....this blog is about happiness right? yes, i see things positively and im happy that i have to suffer and work so hard...:)

yeah, coming back...it was about me....i cant really remember how i changed, but i guess i found a love in my life about 7 years back...and about 4 years back after 4 years thru (confused? haha)...to focus on...i gave my heart completely...i gave the best i had....i guess God gave me someone to love...and to share my lonely burden kept inside for years....and i was relieved of these past hurts and my heart became sweet and loving again...haha.....at least i think...haha..and, well, things had to end for a reason....and realization took place a few years back when God came into my life even stronger now...and made me see things even more faithfully and open hearted...and Happiness came in my heart for a really long time till now...and yes, i am happier in many many many aspects in my life....

We need to love others and give without expectations...not so as to feel good in return, but to just love and give to make someone happy...of course we have to still think of ourselves too, we cant be SELFLESS...no...we still need to love ourselves before we love others too...we need sort of a balance...

But the underlying answer to happiness is God...cos with God, there is Love, where there is Love, nothing is too much trouble, and there is always time...We give time and Love without expecting, to find true happiness.....Ive learned....

If we only didnt think of ourselves too much all the time.....the place would be a better place to live in and a more peaceful and happy place to live in....

A Comfort That Never Fails...

Its good to know when someone's there to comfort you, and know in our hearts that things will be alright....
I seek comfort in God, in family, friends, strangers that become friends....

Its a kind of warmth that builds up inside our hearts that give peace in our days...our minds, our hearts....

About some 2 months ago when i was sharing with a loved one about how God is always in our lives and i believe He works for our good and how our trials in life has got to do with God and his doings so we learn and realise that we need him to believe and trust Him in ALL that we do, and that He has everything to do with whats in store in our lives the past, present and future..and how some others around and even myself can be so oblivious to the signs that He sends us in many forms and ways when we ask them in prayer...and when i shared this to my friend, and i know it was out of concern or just the view of my loved one, mentioned that i was too reliant on God. And i just smiled...i took it positively, what ran thru my mind was that its a good thing that i was...and it made me see how i take on life's challenges and trials ahead, thou my loved one may not see it the way i did and do, i believe one day it will be understood and recollection and truth will set in the heart...Somehow i was alittle discouraged for a moment, and certain things were compromised such as my Faith dwindled alittle, i was decieved slowly(which i realised after reading the site) and before i knew it, i fell into a trap that i didnt even know i was in!!...until this weird website incident happened.....

I turned on my Laptop at home and i wanted to blog, i typed in my blog and name on blogspot, i think i keyed in something alittle wrongly..and i never expected this website to come up...i was in between feeling amazed and alittle freaked out...why so? this website, has the same name as i do (my blog), my first and my last, the only differences were minor, wont spell it out here but....what was the possiblity of that i thought?? And to such a site?? it was a sign...a sign for me... *smiles*

Maybe you can go visit the site: http://shereen.simon.blogpot.com/
(im taking a risk here *winks*)

it was a site on Bible readings and incredible testimonies of God, the past , present and the future...i started reading, and i was hooked...for many reasons... so hooked until i missed calls and msgs from friends that asked me out for the night...also, the main reason i had this desire to read on was the fact that i know this was a sign to pull me back out from the 'trap' that i was in...falling back into darkness and bringing myself back into the light.... I brought me back to what i read a few years back...and realization began to set in....

When i started reading, i felt so guilty for my sins, esp for the past weeks...and i prayed and i teared and felt remorse...and i realised that sometimes, even when we think we are strong enough to say it wont happen, it happens when we least expect it and when we are caught unaware...'An idle mind, brings opportunities for the evils doing and advantage'. so yeah, that was what happened, i BLAME NO ONE...not even the person that was in the situation with me... i believed it was a trial i had to go thru to grow in faith again and this time more...to learn from my actions and how easily we are decieved, unknowingly.....
"my sin": My weakness played a part in this, as we know, the evil uses our weaknesses to bring us down in to darkness whenever the opportunity arises...and it worked, i fell into a trap which i thought was perfectly fine until a sign brought me back...this was the weird part, to me i know it is and was a Sin, but i felt that it wasnt then when i committed it...i felt numb, i had no feelings about it during and after....and usually i do, i usually feel very strongly against it, but somehow, it felt empty...my heart was empty....i didnt feel anything literally in my heart...my mind was telling me, somehow something's not right...i should be feeling something but i am not....*was puzzled* i shared this with a dear friend of mine, that when i went to church, i didnt feel any remorse over what happened and i found it strange, and i really had no feelings until i recieved God somewhere thru...then i felt safe again, somehow relieved that i started feeling again...but still didnt realise that i compromised my faith...and i felt that i needed to start over again to build it back up...which i believe i did after that strange pop-up website i read...
After this, i thought hard and prayed and prayed...for wisdom, courage and strength to do what i needed to do...i was torn between certain people and choices...but things fall into place in time...i needed patience to sort things out...in God's time...i believe i have and still is...cos some uncertainties lie ahead...
I spoke my heart and mind about my weakness and my decision about the sin and act, and how i need to stay away from it for many reasons...one of which is God and the others, my purpose in life, my goals, my future, not jeopardising anyones future for that matter, cos it is unfair or let's say, if that were to happen, there would drastic changes in my life and in my friends life...though i would see it positively, but my goals would probably change and its not what i want to happen...i want it to be the right time and for the right reasons...cos i believe that God is guiding me and i dont want to throw away all that has been planned for me for the past years...many many many things would change....many i tell you honestly...i know that in my heart and i trust my heart....

As days pass, and feelings shared, a sense of comfort began to set in again....i believe for the right reasons...but somehow somethings are still unsettled...i pray for that day to come so that i can start the comfort cycle again...and prayerfully stick by my choice and not fall into temptation again...A feeling of comfort from the word of God never fails to bring peace in our hearts......
Peacefully Comfortable...

Sleep Paralysis

I had this experience this late morning...i had breakfast then back to work to prepare for my lessons...halfway thru, i was pretty tired...and so decided to take a short nap...i think i had a dream....afterwhile, was woken up by the auntie...a parcel came for me....left it on my colleagues table then went back to my nap again... it was only 10 mins past, thou it seemed so long...
During this, i slept pretty soundly again, but it seemed that my mind was awake but my body wasnt...like there were people around but there wasnt...i dont think i was hallucinatin or anything...then i just went on sleeping for another while....then, i woke up... my mind woke up...
but somehow i couldnt move my body... like it was dead! i thought, it doesnt feel like the oppressions i get..(thats another 'talk'about' topic) anyways, my eyes opened and i could see my arms stil folded, and like i couldnt move an inch...i decided, ok, maybe i rest a few minutes and try get up..i did.. but i couldnt... then...i tried to shake my head and move my eyes more... and finally, my body woke up....
man...guess ive been deprived of sleep for the past weeks maybe....even now, im pretty sleepy... but need to get work done....

There were more experieces that this, but this just felt different from the rest i used to have...
will share those when i have more time in my hands...

well, now off to do work...
1) CIP block allocation by classes - tresaure hunt during collection
2) reflection questions for blog - Earth Day.
3) Answer scheme (Colleague rushing me)
4) Mark test papers - stacks...
5) Submit claim for Sports carnicval
6) Send invoice for Dance Chingay - PA
7) prepare CIP briefing items and documents for teachers for student briefing.
8) Submit edusave forms (still collecting...)
9) Submit dance comp details - GRC
10) Record book & reflections - 3 weeks worth man! back dated...oops...haha
11) theres alot more...a nd these mentioned are so much less than ordinary days.... :)
Any teacher would agree with me....if it was last week or weeks before....

See the list here....all the extra work a teacher has to do besides teaching...hehe...
ok..i better start.. dun wanna go home late... again...ciaos!

Revisiting Happiness....

Here's a blog i wrote some 2 years back.....and well, i believe it has alot of meaning for me, cos for one, i was goin thru a really rough patch with my own heart, my struggles and trying to find happiness and well, reading and self-motivation was one of the ways to go...being a cheerleader! haha..was pretty easy...haha....and well, i in a way, also "prepared" it for someone special...and this someone special is still the someone special and things have made sorta a full circle..and well, things happen for a reason...and im feeling that i want to create this again, for whatever reasons my heart wants me to....to convey to those out there who have yet to find some sort of happiness....i know i have...Secondly, i was led to this happiness through God and His presence and thats why i want to share this Love and happiness with those around me who I love so dearly....

Monday, March 06, 2006

Happiness..

Anne Frank:

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.

Happiness is a state of mind, therefore the real source of happiness lies in the mind, not in external circumstances.If our mind is pure and peaceful we shall be happy, regardless of our external conditions, but if it is impure and unpeaceful we shall never find happiness, no matter how much we try to change our external circumstances.

Sufferings, problems, worries, unhappiness, and pain all exist within our mind; they are all unpleasant feelings, which are part of the mind. Through controlling and purifying our mind we can stop them once and for all.

We are faced with a choice: either we can continue to squander our life in pursuing worldly enjoyments that give no real and long term satisfaction and disappear when we die, or we can dedicate our life to realizing our full spiritual potential.

All we need to do is change the object of our cherishing.If we learn to cherish all beings more than ourself we shall soon enjoy the bliss of enlightenment.

Our instinctive view is that we are more important than everyone else, whereas the view of all enlightened beings is that it is others who are more important.

Which of these views is more beneficial?In life after life, since beginningless time, we have been slaves to our self-cherishing mind. We have trusted it implicitly and obeyed its every command, believing that the way to solve our problems and find happiness is to put ourself before everyone else. We have worked so hard and for so long for our own sake, but what do we have to show for it?Have we solved all our problems and found the lasting happiness we desire?

No. It is clear that pursuing our own selfish interests has deceived us. After having indulged our self-cherishing for so many lives, now is the time to realize that it simply does not work. Now is the time to switch the object of our cherishing from ourself to all living beings.

Countless enlightened beings have discovered that by abandoning self-cherishing and cherishing only others they came to experience true peace and happiness.

We cannot expect to change our mind overnight, but through patiently and consistently practicing on cherishing others, we can gradually replace our ordinary self-cherishing attitude with the sublime attitude of cherishing all living beings.

Think about it, have you ever felt terrible doing something for someone and making that someone happy? I highly doubt so...you'd feel good...well, yeah, maybe you might grumble and complain while youre doin so...but just take a moment and pause...im sure you feel a tad bit happy..maybe if this person returned your kindess you'd be happier, but then again, we need not expect anything in return now do we...if you do it whole-heartedly for someone, you'd feel happy...You make him smile, your heart smiles too...

This is Happiness that is intangible and i guess it shows us first, the the purpose in life that then only bring meaning in living this life...being of service to others...Don't be afraid of reality..some of you might think that you don't even fear reality...you might even be in denial...sub-consciously, you don't want to face reality cos you have little control over it...and you fear it...maybe you might still be thinking, nah.."its not it"...

well, if you see how simple reality is, you might just see how clear life can be...and you might even respond more effectively, and see how easy it can be... It's the way we make sense of the world....Its a matter of choice...try it..if you think you dont enjoy helping others or other living creatures, then I advise you to pray for Gods forgiveness and pray that he will help you find a solution for your happiness...Put yourself before others and think of others more but also Remember to not forget ourselves entirely...Give love, and love will be returned to you in time...patience my child...

HH the Dalai LamaConsider the following.

We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others' actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others' activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.Nor is it so remarkable that our greatest joy should come when we are motivated by concern for others. But that is not all. We find that not only do altruistic actions bring about happiness but they also lessen our experience of suffering. Here I am not suggesting that the individual whose actions are motivated by the wish to bring others' happiness necessarily meets with less misfortune than the one who does not. Sickness, old age, mishaps of one sort or another are the same for us all. But the sufferings which undermine our internal peace -- anxiety, doubt, disappointment -- these things are definitely less. In our concern for others, we worry less about ourselves. When we worry less about ourselves an experience of our own suffering is less intense.

What does this tell us? Firstly, because our every action has a universal dimension, a potential impact on others' happiness, ethics are necessary as a means to ensure that we do not harm others. Secondly, it tells us that genuine happiness consists in those spiritual qualities of love, compassion, patience, tolerance and forgiveness and so on. For it is these which provide both for our happiness and others' happiness. [Ethics for a New Millennium, by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama]After reading this, it has made me more sure of what the purpose of life is and why things are the way they are...being someone who is given the responsibility to reach out to the young, it gives me great honour to really do what i m supposed to do...though its a challenging task that has been paved for me, I will continue to pray for strength, courage and perserverance and ask the Lord to guide my path and always be with me when I need Him the most and to pick me up when i feel discouraged...These three paragraphs really do mean alot and has made alot of sense to me personally and professionally...and its a confirmation and an affirmation for myself and my purpose...Help me to see You always...Thank you Lord for You and the beauty of all things...I appreciate you...Albert SchweitzerI don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.

posted by M@liNgPe@s at Monday, March 06, 2006

Blessed...

I count my blessings....Im so very thankful for the greater good..For God...His guidance, Love and trials...for the ups and downs in my life, im thankful for everything in my life...my family, my friends, aquaintances, strangers, nature and the inner voice...Im so blessed...

Today, my student told me some news that i could get into trouble for, which i plainly know, i didnt break any rules...just that things happen.
My concern was for my student who was feeling so guilty for what "was" to happen, and i did what i had to do, be calm and have faith in the Lord...my heart pounded alittle for the worry about what 'shit' i could get into, and well, all i could do was make her feel it wasnt her fault and that things will be alright...somehow, i know in my heart, things will be alright, there was slight doubt, but i kept the faith...i prayed and accepted what was to come and asked for courage, strength and wisdom....and then i smiled...and went on with my day...it was a good day.. alittle here and there but well, overall was good...and I guess God was by my side....

Im the last to leave office again...as usual..haha....today they started an new system to tap in and out to tak attendance..hahaha... man...oh well, im trying to leave earlier..that was what i thought when i started the year..but it was so the opposite...i live further and yet i go back later...well, i believe its all what i need to do for the time being...for whatever reasons, i believe it shall be for my good... :) it could be looked at from different opposing angles i suppose...good and bad...i choose the positive...

Today, im happy...i love what im doing...i love my students and i love teaching...Im blessed....

My life is changing, and i though uncertain, i am ready for what comes forth...in life and in love....
Say goodbye to the past, for it had been the one for me, to be where i am to be...to see to life for the new me....

Randomly Bothered....

Im kinda bothered by something and i wish to get it off my chest, whether or not anyone reads this...its an outlet to express how i feel without being judge immediately or whatever.....im just being irrational now...haha..

well, im kinda in thoughts....and maybe a little paranoid and all....hhmm...
What is love?? is a question that many can or cannot explain....i guess...you know what, i dont feel like talking about love....haiz...im just being blue today...

Yesterday was a so-so day for me....i had time to do my personal stuff and well, is looking wonderful...and i pray really hard that things fall into place....Guide me....i believe...

This morning, my colleague was so nice...she got me a chocolate cheese cake with raspberry! I love raspberries! and guess what im down with ulcers and a scalded tongue, cough and it doesnt help when im heaty and i get these 'boil-like' things on the tip of my tongue that just spoils my mood and appetite cos everytime i wanna eat something, it hurts...*sad* i live with it..im just complaining.. :) okok..anyways.. it was so sweet of her, she said she knows im really busy working hard and all and just thought she gave me something to encourage and spur me on... So sweet...it does make me happy...
SMALL THINGS make me happy....i am a pretty simple girl...easily contented...haha... but im a lady, so yeah, the saying goes.. ladies are complicated and yes, i do agree to a certain extent.. cos i do know when im complicated and of course know when im not...you may beg to differ but i know myself...

anyways, last night, i wanted to meet up with a special someone, but i was too tired and stressed out....i had these headaches for about a week! due to stress and my tense muscles....so i decided i needed to see a massage therapist, wanted to get some acupuncture done, but he said, not necessary cos my muscles are too stressed and stiff and it has to be done when muscles are more relaxed...not sure what exactly he meant, cos he spoke in mandarin and thats what i figured from what he was saying, if i asked him to explain further, i think id be like....hhmmm... OK....
hahaha.. anyways.. he also said it cant be done in such a short time...he gave me a massage and advised me...gave me some 'koyo' and medication for stress and muscle relaxant...told me to exercise and stretch more...and work less in front of the computer...but man...*hows* i need to remember...he said, it has been caused by years of stress...hhahaa.. i wonder why.... :) but well, i'l get over it....im a tough girl i suppose...i fell asleep at 10pm...so early!! i guess i just couldnt take it..body is over worked...its really stressful to be a teacher...i somehow just annoyed at people who think teaching is EASY!!! rubbish...maybe 10 years back yeah..but not NOW...many in the same boat will agree with me...its not easy! *dont compare* im not talking about you right now...unless you've been in this line..you'll understand.... :) so just chill...im just being irrational again...hahahahhaha...

Oh, where was i, got carried away...haha...special someone, he was so concerned for me, i ws touched....*aawwww* we msged for alittle... then somehow, i just felt like it became different...im not sure but yeah, that was how it was....i was cool about it...gave it litte thought...but later more thought...haha.. and well, then i came alittle insecure, well, maybe i was concernd about my heart being let down for a while...psychoed myself alittle and tried to relax....i didnt meet up with him...
not sure if he wanted to...he didnt sound like he did...*pout* i guess for those who know me well, they know i dont usually go out during weekdays...really i dont...and if i do, you mean something to me OR i just really need a break and YOU help me do that...may reasons la actually to thin of it...depends..if i feel like it...i will.....well, i guess, we'll never know or you'll never know unless you find out for yourself yeah....*shrugs*

Anyways, i was reading, and while doin so, i just felt disconnected...trying to feel or understand what is being written and expressed but i just couldnt...i could then i got lost while trying to do so...my head while reading, had this movement that shook me, like i was dizzy for a split second...it happens every now and then.. not sure whats the cause but i pray nothings wrong with me....hhmm.....

I just dunno what to share actually.....just kinda idling...alittle confused about things...and just wanna look at it positively....
maybe i dont show enough care or concern for someone, but that doesnt mean that i dont care or think less about that someone...okok.. dun wanna talk about this anymore...haha.. getting too hhmmm.....

anyways, im laggin behind so many weeks of lesson plans...haha.. even my submission to my Ps/VPs has not been submitted for like 2 weeks...sheesh.. what?? the funny thing is this...i created the Lesson plans weeks before, all i needed was to paste them in and submit it..just that i didnt do my reflections..and this kept me from submitting...hahaha.. well, not excuses....my responsibility...and here i am typing away.....

I dont go out weekdays, only weekends....know that...i have my reasons...and its got nothing to do with you......chill bro *cheers*

Better do whats more important....see ya...

Irrational Beliefs vs Truth

Sometimes in life, things happen for reasons, and though at that mmt in time, it seems all so helpless and pointless ...that at times, we ask WHY? why does it have to happen to him or her...and why not me? to take away the pain from that person suffering...he/she doesnt deserve it...i do...and of course many other thoughts....

well, i used to think this way too, and its not wrong...its just the state of mind and circumstance that we are in...i used to ask God why does it have to happen to him? he's so young and has a whole life ahead of him..and i plead and ask that God takes this pain away from him and pass it to me, so he doesnt have to suffer....
It was only years after that realization fell into place...but it was after much pain and experience and faith that lead us to this realization...i guess i did share it in my very early part of my blog posts...
I believe that someone who feels someone's pain has empathy...and thats wonderful, and when this empathy translates to wanting to do something and actually 'ACT' to alleviate the pain and suffering of that person, its an act of compassion, and thats what i pray many or most human beings will come to senses at, so that the world would be a better place.
However, so, this doesnt seem to be the case for many, and i can speak for the culture in Singapore...too fast paced and thus, majority seeks to be the best in the 'Money' context. it is sad...even some of my students feel that way, they need to be earning alot of money etc....you get the drift yeah...
And then there are some people who get the empathy and then wish they take the pain instead... like what i read awhile ago..i can relate to this person infact cos as i shared, i was in the same situation... whether or not, this person is truely saying it with meaning, thats another story... But somehow, we reflect and think, do we really want that to befall on us? just cos we think we are not fit or should i say, not worth living or 'its-better-if-i-get-this-instead-of...' what im really trying to put forth is that, while it is good(and humble) that we feel and think selflessly, we must not also think that we are any less deserving to live...to say that 'give me his/her problems' and that will make things better..in fact, it doesnt or wouldnt...cos what or who's meant to get what in life, is planned...and for us to understand this is important....yes, we do have freewill to choice in our lives, thats what is in the plans for us in this World. This BIG Plan in our lives is guided by God, thru people, nature and all things around us...how we look at a situation and have faith that we need to be positive and make choices with our heart and sometimes our heads...the 'right' choices...and yeah, we might say or ask, what is 'RIGHT', whats right to me may not be right to someone else.. thats true too...well, its up bringing and beliefs taught and passed down by elders, parents, guardians, friends, etc..that make us this think and act in certain ways.. for example, we might be taught /have experienced that" im the cause of the unhappiness around me, so if anything bad happens to anyone, i should be the one getting the blame or suffering"...or "its never my fault, others should be responsible in guiding me", or "everyone is doing it..." or "I must have my child's love and approval'.... NO, thats not true...i believe that these are irrational thoughts...however so these thoughts and feelings, may be irrational beliefs and are in grained in our system (Minds) that we think in strange ways..im not saying it is bad..its just the way life is...and i guess, we've got to believe and learn to follow whats right in our hearts...which im not saying is easy either...All we need is learn and have Faith,Hope and Love in our hearts and it shall and will guide us with the right ways that God has planned for us.
It might be alittle hard to understand why and what, but in time we will understand, like how im also learning, im not saying that whatever im sharing is what is 'right' but im just sharing is thru my learning experiences with God and how He has guided me thru many life's lessons and 'Heart' rules....Our hearts know whats right...like when we do something 'wrong' and it someone 'aches' or egdes you to tell you somethings not right about this thing, or like something tells you, 'hey, i shouldnt be doing this' yeah, thats 'it'...thats the 'right'...i wont explain an deeper cos it prolly would confuse people or maybe myself.. so yeah...do what feels right, not for yourself ONLY, but the sake of the GOOD of others and oneself....reflection helps...reflection on feelings and actions....cos when we reflect, it is time with ourselves and thats when God can speak with us or to us...well, thats what i believe and know... :) God speaks to us in silence with a clear mind...Be calm....

Drained...

Todays a pretty short day for lessons...but meeting was right after...
i feel and felt really drained....eyes were closing...and my body is aching...from the stress...i havent had a massage for ages...and i really need one....*haiz*

Today, i had quite a fun time with my dear students...
They were having a trial practice for their cookies for their practical exam...and well, i see that i was happy with the outcome from this class...:) this class is a really chatty class, but fun one..
anyways, the thing that i was smling about and laughing about was that, i tried all their cookies...haha..i dunno why but i had thie urge to try it all..aha.. and pretty good la... anyways...
These students sometimes don have as much common sense as they actually should have...sorry but im just being honest... this student, they were putting the chocolate topping and coconut flakes on the cookies, they didnt even think of where they were going to place the cookies after their decoration...haha... sometimes they just need to think alittle further to ensure that they think thru all the steps..thats why planning is so important...anyways...my practice is that i never give my students the answers straight away, i ask them a question to probe them to answer their own question.. so that they think! hahaha.. and it usually works...so yeah...i believe it helps them in time....anyways...
This was the conversation that followed, 'eh, where to put ah'? (Asking another student, other student looked around and didnt give answer and looked at her, expecting her to answer..how funny)
Then i said, Where to put ah? here. (Pointing to my mouth) ahha..
student laughed...and she asked me to leave it open and she fed me..haaha...i felt abit weird, having a student feed me.. but at the same time, i was cool and enjoyed it too...hahaha...
it may not be funny but i didnt use to be so easy going with students when it comes to closeness to students as in 'friend'friend', ive always had this mindset that, i was pretty strict and firm with my students esp in the first year of teaching...then i learned...soft approach was ,more me than the hard, but when i used my hard approach it works too!! so yeah...i think im blessed...besides, i used to have the need to have a good image to them...but as years pass, i learned alot and had a good balance...these days, for the past 2 years, ive never shouted at any student...reprimanded alittle at times but ialways try to stay away....i could go on and on..but..anyhoos....and this year's resolution helped and there are also alot of other factors that helped me in this too..ahhaa..friends, experiences, experienced teaching etc...i guess being too hard up and serious all the time is no fun...in sch especially...anyways....

After the meeting, i was strolling to the canteen and i went to get some food from the canteen..lo mai kai. that was all left..*pout* so late la of course..ahaha..thats my lunch...well, not that i enjo ylo mai kai very much, in fact, i dont really do...anyways...i bought it, squeezed some chilli sauce on it.. then the auntie reminded me to take the spoon and i did...then i walked off to get back to the staff room...i was so tired...my students were standing near by... after walking some distance like 20m, i looked at my hand and spoon, then realised something was not right...ahha... i forgot to take my food...and i spoke to myself....then walked back...ahha..took it and walked toward my students...only one student saw what happened and she laughed...hahaha...i laughed too...and i told her to keep cool and be quiet about it..hahaha..her friends were asking what happened..haha...it was funny and fun...made me laugh and smile and thats what i love...it did help to take away some stress...hahaha...
but well, it wasnt embarassing la... i was actually quite cool about it...and i learnt that we neednt be embarassed about somethings in life cos its part of making us humble too...ahha.. i learned this from my sec. sch sec 5. form teacher...it was nice to have her...hhmmm...

I realised that i was living up to my 2008 resolution, was to be myself more and open my heart to love and people more...its like that, im quite a different person in school, im more low profile and it feels quite restrictive, cos, for one, im usually really jumpy and cheerful...but somehow i cant be like that in my school.. for whatever reasons... i believe its got very much to do with my pride...like how people see me...like i need to be perfect or not make any mistakes...and well, it has hindered me from accomplishing many things in my life and well, taking opportunities when they are right in front of me....but i guess things will work out in time...when i decide to choose and make a difference in my life and others.....hhmm....well, i guess slowly i am seeing my resolution.......and its good...i am happier in terms of me and my life...not really work...just well...


Im supposed to msg a friend now, 4pm to tell him if im having dinner with him....i feel like cos i think itd be good to catch up, after so long....but on the other hand, im also thinking of someone else..just that he didnt ask...not sure if he has plans though... well, will wait til he calls...

anyways...i think i better get back to work...plan plan plan...hhmmm....