Feelings..Thoughts...

The past few weeks have been quite a ride...highs and lows...

I have not idea what i wanna say but i have these feelings that need to be expressed....
Last night...i met up w my bestfriend...i didnt know she was goin thru what she had been for years....i felt how she felt...you know.. when she feels sad, i feel sad too...sometimes i wish that i could just be more comforting in terms of.. ha.nvm.. dun wanna explain...anyways...
we were actually looking around to help her decide her plans for her anniversary...we had dinner...then we headed over to chijmes...we were at "le baroque"...sitting and chillin out...its a new place...anyways.. we sat and talked....and thats when she shared this with me....
I appreciate that she could share it with me..and somehow as she was sharing her feelings and thoughts...about her life, i had this feeling that made me feel that shes someone really special that came into my life...there were somethings that she shared about her plans and what how much she's putting her time and effort in her current relationship and family that now at this point makes me see another side of herself as well as the special someone she has got...i am really impressed by her strong will and character....its a good feeling... and i am really happy for her..i really am...now i see the reason why she feels the way she does..and it somehow clears my doubt on certain issues...i guess as a friend, i was concerned about her plans for the future...i didnt want her to get disappointed or hurt in anyway...but i thought to myself..."wow, she's a lady who has a heart of gold that gives so much for those he loves..." i just took a back seat and pondered...i was glad that she shared it with me...i didnt know she was goin thru so much...i mean i knew what she was going thru but the degree it was it...it must ve been so hard for her... i'll pray for her...

anyways, it wasnt all for the night...i met up with an ole sch mate back from braddell...same year... it was nice to chat for a bit.. we headed to jln kayu...haha.. he introed me to a new place called Jerry's..we didnt head there just yet.. said he'd treat me to the buffalo wings the next time round..i cant wait to try it though.. maybe i'll take some friends there to chill out...check out the place..anyways....it was nice..i had prata..and teh tarik...he just had a teh chino..haha well... i found out some things about him...his character...it was good..we headed home...he drove me home...was a good short time spent.. :)

one more thing that happened during this day was...my ex called...feels weird saying that..a friend called..hahah. much better...anyways...i was happy...i was...its weird...but a good feeling...its like he just lights up my days...i dunno what it means...but like how i was sharing in my last blog...things have been different... a friend told me something that i didnt see it as that or maybe i just didnt want to think about as yet...but it got me thinking...we talked thru it...and i was honest with myself...i was.. it like when i am aound this friend of mine..i could be open and honest with how i feel..i guess hvaing gone thru what i did.. i have changed..and im happy that i have changed...i thank my Love for that...anyhows, somehow i felt that feelings is something that we can hide and sometimes cannot hide sometimes cos it just shows....and can be felt...by others too...
I said ive let it go..and i have...i did...somehow recently, between the point of knowing and realising...it could be coming back...but i know for sure that things are different and will be different...long story...

But anyways..he called.. we spoke.. i actually msged him la.. asked him what his address was so i could mail him stuff..but i hope it does get there...haha.. i like sending letters and recieving them...hehe.. :) then he called..hahaha...
anyhows...we spoke for abit...i was having a subway sandwich at shaw house, lido...something that we had on our first date...he reminded me of it thou..hahaha..it was nice...it has always been nice and safe talking to him...it always made me feel better...haha.. oh oh...hahaha.. well...
i dunno...what life has to bring...just feel and be logical about what i wanna do with my choices and feelings in life...for everything there is hope for every tiny drop of hope there is love...and love takes life to places that we never thought possible...

Unexpected Sweet Surprise...

Guess what? i got a call from a friend who holds so so so much love and memories in my heart...
I was expecting someone else to call thou, but im glad it wasnt...*winks*
you know? prior that phone call? something made me take out my phone from my bag and put it in the hall dining...no idea why then...cos usually when my phone rings in my bag, i wouldnt be able to hear a sound...my song..."You know you're everything to me..." wow! just love the start of that.. reminds me of someone too...kinda bummed sometimes when i hear that song...long story..anyways...

When i picked my phone up...i saw the numbers and it didnt ring a bell...it was an overseas number...then yes, it came to mind..it must be him..i was happy to recieve his call...my heart was happy...i was myself...i was more of myself than i used to be back then..which is a good thing...its been long since we spoke..actually..for about a month already...but well, been long(about a year haha) since we spoke on the phone like the usual,...it was an emotion that was relived...being alittle childlike, and enjoying every moment of it.. well not every single moment thou..haha.. but 95%..haha.. the other 5% was interupted by the msn and sending him pictures...

I missed talking to him...he's got a bad throat.. Pray to God to heal him and be with him as he sits for his test at 9am...Good luck too fella!! *smiles*
Ii felt something on the other side...all the way in Canberra..hahaha...its an instinct about something unspoken from the heart... well, its probably just my usual gut or "intuition" id like to call it...haha...some part of me felt nothing, part of me felt something.. still thinking about the feeling and trying to describe it... will let u know if i have...anyways.. we spoke for about 3omins...it was late there...1am...it means alot to me that he called at such an hour..its unlike him back then...i guess it warms my heart to know that...

It was good...glad things are goin well for him...im happy and sad...

Im thirsty...damn..im dehydrated.. can someone hydrate me and my lips please? id love for that... oohh..hahaha... man...ok ok...

I know in my heart the feelings i feel,
I know in my head, the thoughts i hide,
But somehow, somewhere, it seems surreal
cos I awake to emptiness, right by my side.

I long for the love, we've shared before,
I wished that you'd come, knocking at my door,
What does it mean when i count to four?
Could it be that I Love You More?

Might sound crappy..but well...thats why im not a writer or a poet...just being me...*so you just like it or you don't* hee hee....

......in the making...getting inspiration..doesnt seem to help when my eye's been invaded!! cant help rubbing99...sheesh...its disrupting my chain of thought...till next time..i shall continue... damn.. why do i feel so thirsty?? been like a week now...im worried...i really am...I pray...
Good night sweet thing.... *grinz*

Happiness..

Anne Frank:
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.

Happiness is a state of mind, therefore the real source of happiness lies in the mind, not in external circumstances.
If our mind is pure and peaceful we shall be happy, regardless of our external conditions, but if it is impure and unpeaceful we shall never find happiness, no matter how much we try to change our external circumstances.

Sufferings, problems, worries, unhappiness, and pain all exist within our mind; they are all unpleasant feelings, which are part of the mind. Through controlling and purifying our mind we can stop them once and for all.

We are faced with a choice: either we can continue to squander our life in pursuing worldly enjoyments that give no real and long term satisfaction and disappear when we die, or we can dedicate our life to realizing our full spiritual potential.

All we need to do is change the object of our cherishing.
If we learn to cherish all beings more than ourself we shall soon enjoy the bliss of enlightenment.
Our instinctive view is that we are more important than everyone else, whereas the view of all enlightened beings is that it is others who are more important.
Which of these views is more beneficial?
In life after life, since beginningless time, we have been slaves to our self-cherishing mind. We have trusted it implicitly and obeyed its every command, believing that the way to solve our problems and find happiness is to put ourself before everyone else. We have worked so hard and for so long for our own sake, but what do we have to show for it?
Have we solved all our problems and found the lasting happiness we desire? No. It is clear that pursuing our own selfish interests has deceived us. After having indulged our self-cherishing for so many lives, now is the time to realize that it simply does not work. Now is the time to switch the object of our cherishing from ourself to all living beings.

Countless enlightened beings have discovered that by abandoning self-cherishing and cherishing only others they came to experience true peace and happiness.

We cannot expect to change our mind overnight, but through patiently and consistently practicing on cherishing others, we can gradually replace our ordinary self-cherishing attitude with the sublime attitude of cherishing all living beings.

Think about it, have you ever felt terrible doing something for someone and making that someone happy? I highly doubt so...you'd feel good...well, yeah, maybe you might grumble and complain while youre doin so...but just take a moment and pause...im sure you feel a tad bit happy..maybe if this person returned your kindess you'd be happier, but then again, we need not expect anything in return now do we...if you do it whole-heartedly for someone, you'd feel happy...You make him smile, your heart smiles too...

This is Happiness that is intangible and i guess it shows us first, the the purpose in life that then only bring meaning in living this life...being of service to others...

Don't be afraid of reality..some of you might think that you don't even fear reality...you might even be in denial...sub-consciously, you don't want to face reality cos you have little control over it...and you fear it...maybe you might still be thinking, nah.."its not it"... well, if you see how simple reality is, you might just see how clear life can be...and you might even respond more effectively, and see how easy it can be... It's the way we make sense of the world....
Its a matter of choice...try it..if you think you dont enjoy helping others or other living creatures, then I advise you to pray for Gods forgiveness and pray that he will help you find a solution for your happiness...
Put yourself before others and think of others more but also Remember to not forget ourselves entirely...Give love, and love will be returned to you in time...patience my child...

HH the Dalai Lama
Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others' actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others' activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.
Nor is it so remarkable that our greatest joy should come when we are motivated by concern for others. But that is not all. We find that not only do altruistic actions bring about happiness but they also lessen our experience of suffering. Here I am not suggesting that the individual whose actions are motivated by the wish to bring others' happiness necessarily meets with less misfortune than the one who does not. Sickness, old age, mishaps of one sort or another are the same for us all. But the sufferings which undermine our internal peace -- anxiety, doubt, disappointment -- these things are definitely less. In our concern for others, we worry less about ourselves. When we worry less about ourselves an experience of our own suffering is less intense.

What does this tell us? Firstly, because our every action has a universal dimension, a potential impact on others' happiness, ethics are necessary as a means to ensure that we do not harm others. Secondly, it tells us that genuine happiness consists in those spiritual qualities of love, compassion, patience, tolerance and forgiveness and so on. For it is these which provide both for our happiness and others' happiness. [Ethics for a New Millennium, by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama]

After reading this, it has made me more sure of what the purpose of life is and why things are the way they are...being someone who is given the responsibility to reach out to the young, it gives me great honour to really do what i m supposed to do...though its a challenging task that has been paved for me, I will continue to pray for strength, courage and perserverance and ask the Lord to guide my path and always be with me when I need Him the most and to pick me up when i feel discouraged...
These three paragraphs really do mean alot and has made alot of sense to me personally and professionally...and its a confirmation and an affirmation for myself and my purpose...Help me to see You always...Thank you Lord for You and the beauty of all things...I appreciate you...

Albert Schweitzer
I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.

Perspectives..Intention...Judgement...

im happy for someone...he made me smile...well as far as ive seen...its good...not sure about how he's doin deep down thou'..anyways, i'll pray to God that he knows what he is doin...and answer my prayers in His time...
He's probably someone that i'll remember in life...for who he is,ive told him at times, he's got a good heart and it shows..but he doesnt see it as yet.. or maybe he does, he's probably modest...I think of him everynow and then...he makes me smile he make me frown...a good mix of emotions...thou it is pretty clear to me,but im still confused about certain things...i wanna be sure, but my pride holds me back for some reason...i dun wanna jump...
I know for sure, but im stubborn...think long term...dun think about what if's...and regret later? well, sometimes if its for the better and its logical, is there really anything to regret at all?
anyways.. think im swaying out of the point here...

Life is hard and an up hill climb...you say people judge..yes they do..i used to feel so inferior and so affected by what people say or judge me as..that i get so paranoid...but you know what? it just made me worse..made me not open up or so conscious about what i say or do or how i think that i just shut...i close...i retreat...i think...i worry...i hurt...i cry...thats how i used to be...now its better...its different...i learned and im trying.. im happier..i am...i'v learned to let go...ive learned my weaknesses in sins and asked to be strengthened...im still getting there..alot of learning to do...skills to practice and be a stronger and better person...
you know...now i think about it, i was always at the losing end...i felt like i didnt want to hear all these comments or how the others opinions or comments affected me was because of my PRIDE! one of my weaknessess that ive figured out.. when i reflected and learned that Pride was a hindrance in my life...(which i had God to Thank for) I came to understand the meaning of certain things in life that happen...i began to understand what letting go means, what humility means, i began to see things from a different perspective...yes, there are many perspectives in life cos people made them so...but so what? if u have values that are right and morally upright, i guess you should know what is right from wrong and good from bad...if you are gonna make it seem like you are always right and have the right of way or if people have to always accustom to your needs and wants, then i suggest you take a deeper look and reflect why you are here on earth for...YOU NEED TO START thinking of others more, thou not entirely forgetting about yourselves too thou...You are not PERFECT...you can try to be..but you couldnt be...
You are NOT THE ONLY ONE around..youve got to think of others as well, (its hard to explain it thru words or you may get a different view from me as i continue writing, but well..) anyways, as i was saying, yo might say,"others should do the same what, try to understand me" well, do you even understand yourself why you go about thinking or acting the way you do and then actively living or practice the way life was made to be lived...when i came to understand what this meant, i saw how my life was was given meaning...its hard..im still searching and finding a balance and meaning...i am trust me.. im still waivering and uncertain in truth...trying to get more information or questions answered about life and events...will take it as God Gives them to me...
sometimes people say things not because they are passing judgement, but just makimg conversation...or being themselves.. so arent you too passing judgement on those you think are making a judgement when they are actually not? or have no intention to judge? its just for that spilt second or time that we get judged..and either get blamed, reprimanded, punished, hated, or loved for it...ive understood the meaning
You can judge me on earth, but you cant judge me up in heaven...intentions are clear...my sorrows, hurt and bitterness disappear...ive learned to let go...im happier...i am...