11 yrs, A Marriage of ups and downs.

Today is 30th Dec 2022! 6 months and 11 years since I wrote my last blog reflection. I shall make it a habit to reflect and write cos I live and love to think.... Today id like to share and remind myself of marriage....Keeping a marriage sound.... I would like to share this cos it makes me think about my own and where it stands... What worries me is why I had to look this up...my honest feelings about being in a marriage...I love my husband, I do love... and he does show in ways he is committed... But does it translate to true understanding or just head knowledge without application. I wont share details out of respect and privacy of my marriage, but I shall say this... I suppose, I need to be strong to stand up for myself and be clear of what is priority and how I want to and have to respect myself and my feelings and protect my son from the negative idea of marriage, or even protect my heart and sanity from my own husband IF need be. Should there be even white lies ...I shall stay strong and firm in not standing for any that could affect our marriage... I do not and will not want to be with a man who refuses to see the need to change since he made the decision to be married. Even though it does mean that we should accept each other for who we are.. but it also doesnt mean that we refuse to change for the better or give excuses to contibue behaving as a single unmarried person. Saying "You chose to marry me no? And you know what you were marrying when you said yes".... Yes! agreed, BUT... it was ALSO your choice to marry...means there has to be change from single behaviour TO married PRIORITIES which will lead to married appropriate behaviours. Do not for a second put it on me that I have to take all that excuses and white lies... just cos I married you... So should I too behave the same as you do? And if i did, would you be affected too? More so, if we had children together, will your priorities change only then? But being married means not choosing single behaviours...And a choice was so made to BE a STEP parent, so isnt this also ANOTHER CHOICE made to prioritise AND change for as well? Or is it all lip service and empty promises to speak sweet nothings w no commitment? Words that have no action and no value and with trust being lost for every empty promise.....its lonely... Committed words hold value. Words that dont follow through action are meaningless and worth nothing. It chips away at trust in the marriage and soon, it causes a disconnecf in the relationship and lead to ruining a marriage. It cannot be a one-sided marriage where one puts in 100% and the other lesser than 100% commitment to being married. If so, there will be someone else who may fill the lack % and cause more disconnection and distrust in the relationship. I will continue and keep praying for All knowledge and wisdom to guide us, be from God. Always, so I may stand firm, stay rooted and guided to do what is best, and the will of God. So.... 8 Things That Can Ruin a Marriage Even the strongest of marriages have their hiccups. Yet, the difference between a rock solid union and a fling lies in a few crucial relationship components. Here, Marni Feuerman, licensed marriage therapist in Boca Raton, Fla., and marriage expert for About.com, shares some of the most common marriage mistakes—and, how to avoid them. By Yelena Moroz Alpert January 13, 2016 1. Not putting each other first. Once you marry, make each other a priority. This doesn't mean sticking together like glue, however. Instead, think of your marriage and the rest of your obligations as a system of checks and balances. If you notice that all of your time is spent working or running after the kids, take time to rejigger a few things to make sure you actually spend time together that goes beyond crashing on the couch. Date night might sound cheesy, but it works. 2. Weak communication. It's important to say things that are bothering you as they come up; otherwise, you're brewing a recipe for resentment and fights that have you literally crying over spilled milk-except it's not about the dairy. Screaming matches or shutting down and refusing to talk are equally unhealthy ways to argue. Learn to talk about disappointments without blaming. 3. Keeping secrets. Make a point to talk about your day and worries, innocent as they may be. Perhaps you're self-conscious that you didn't get that promotion and now feel guilty because you self-medicated with retail therapy. Keeping mum about your shopping splurge is not healthy, as it can become habitual. Wouldn't you feel hurt if your partner told little white lies, too? Relationships are built on trust and if you can't own up to little things, it's going to be a lot harder to get the guts to tackle important conversations. 4. Poor boundaries with family or friends. Family and friends have a time and a place and should not invade your life. Think: a pushy MIL who unexpectedly shows up for dinner three times a week or another couple who loves to brunch every weekend. While both groups of people are important, if either of you feels a bit claustrophobic it's time to learn how to say "no" to zealous guests. What's more, minimize conversations about your private life outside the marriage. Tempting as it may be to vent, the listening party will probably make a bigger deal out of your rant-you don't want mom thinking that your hubby is neglectful just because he had a period of late nights at work. 5. Never apologizing or admitting that you are wrong. Love Story took the "Love means never having to say you're sorry" a bit too far. We're all adults here and if you do something wrong, or hurt feelings, you need to apologize. Sure, it's easier to make excuses for poor behavior, or worse, flip the situation and blame the other person, but you're not in kindergarten anymore. 6. Not showing gratitude. Say "thank you" for the things your spouse is doing, even if they are expected, ahem, chores. Gratitude goes a long way especially when one of you is stuck doing something annoying, like filling out tax forms. Even if your partner enjoys mowing the lawn, don't underestimate the power of showing appreciation for perfectly manicured grass. 7. Exerting jealousy. There is a big difference between asking about his day and grilling him about every moment he's not with you. When your husband mentions that a new account manager started at his firm, you should not follow up with, "Is she pretty?" We all have insecurities but consistently jealous behavior and manipulative comments create obvious wear-and-tear on your relationship. 8. Shirking professional help. Sometimes working through marriage problems on your own just doesn't work. But don't call it quits until you try resolving your issues with a licensed marriage therapist. These are highly trained professionals who have seen it all and can dole out advantageous advice as well as help you better see your partner's perspective. The sooner you get help, the better. Think of it as going to a dentist of marital health-a small cavity is easy to patch up, while a root canal is an entirely different story.