The best school to work in

The best principal anyone can have... So understanding, so caring, so helpful, so tactful...
I had to speak with my principal regarding my employment and current situation I have been facing over the months... She was there to listen to my predicament and I could feel so much love and concern for me...and i was really touched...
I informed her that I felt really irresponsible about how I felt the pst few months, with my inefficiency in my work and productivity... She probably was informed about my progress And so now could put a finger on why I was being so unproductive...
I asked for an early release for my contract this year...and it was fine... I'm glad I stuck to mid july and no later...I was happy for my decision but at the same time worried about money to finance baby and me in the long run...
My concern is finding a job during and after my delivery... I pray that God provides an open door in time to come...
For her to even have a thought that I still continue even during my preggers and not worry about the reality of people talk and the students and myself being the role model...and even preparing me of how we could tackle the issue of being asked or questioned about my preggers...it really shows how much she appreciates and thinks of me and my well being...
Also telling me to call her direct line if I need anything personal even if I'm not teaching...
Anyways, doors are still open after I deliver....so I am safe and assured... I'm so thankful that I made the decision to come and work for Pathlight school... I have no idea yet how I would like to repay her and their kindness towards me and my family for the past years... I pray that God gives and prompts my heart for the best gift to them to show how much I appreciate their love, support and time...
I love path light school.

Today...

This morning was emotional...I didn't have enough to sleep...maybe about 4 or so hours... I woken up early but not sure why a sudden burst of emotions filled my heart and eyes... I was feeling so sad...I got up and thought I'd do something for me today to just relax and be me. But I couldnt.. My emotions got to me..I cried in bed for a while... My bro boiled some hard boiled eggs for me.. Part of the emo was the love and thought my brother had to boil and shell it for me... I cried even more and asked why does this have to happen...I miss John... I asked why he did what he did... If he never did so, things wouldn't be so bad.. But I'm not too sure either... I can't trust, it's so hard to trust...
Last night, I called htc service centre for some help... It was a china national over the other end trying to help me.. I was being a difficult person but making my stand for my unhappiness for the phone issue.. I understood that she was doing her best,.. But the thought that she was a CNational, well, I got even more bitter about it... I was pretty argumentative about it...such a shallow and not so goods thing to do, but well, from the experience that I have gone through the past year and trust issues due to both insecurities...I also believe that he had to reassure me of his intention to be faithful to me...he did, but it proved wrong when things turned on him... Made my worst fears and feelings even more true and trust him much less....
Anyone in a serious relationship to marry, wouldn't do such a thing...isn't that crazy?? Isn't that playing on thin ice? How much did I really mean to him? Even till then trying to protect himself even when he knew he did wrong...who in the right mind would do that to the one you love??
My question is how much do you really want this? Want me? Are you willing to stay true to me? And all the vows in a marriage??

Lies.

Lies, they eat you up slowly, like rotting log.
It leaves you hollow, and weakly empty.
They creep back into your life, like wreaths on a twine,
And soon in time, too much creeps will start to blind.
Like a disease, in time it suffocates,
Only bad it will result, and a sorrowful end.

A baby's love...or two...

Today felt so empty throughout the day... I'm not sure if it's the hormonal changes I'm going through or is it my broken heart healing...
The past week has been so numb for me...what am I to do but hide my feelings with a mask so familiar to me since 10 years ago.... Never thought I'd come to use it again...I guess I never really threw it away, and tucked it under the carpet arms length away...
This baby loves you..so does the innocent baby who's life is on the way to light...your flesh and blood...
Why did it have to come to this?? In all honesty, I ask God the same question over and over again... Two ways it goes... Either to test our love for each other through tough times... Or a sign for me to see if I'm blinded by my own will and desires that I thought were good for me, but it signs the opposite...but in life, there's usually not only two ways... A third maybe, to love myself more, to respect myself more...to not be afraid to be who I am, to speak from heart and not be afraid that I'll be judged, and even if I'm judged, i stand firm to the values of life and in time, others will see the values of life I so firmly believe...not crumble and be afraid...and not to please just because....

I went for a really expensive therapy session of releasing... Everyone needs it... I need more of it, but I can't afford a second...I need to prioritize my finances at this point cos of the life to come...
Just wanted to share a little some thing....
I was asked why and how did I put up with such pain, "torment" of disrespect and the things I went through.. I was silent for a while...I couldn't find an answer....then, though I didn't say...in my heart was because I love. It was God's love that pulled me through to keep going...
Could I have taken more? Logically, no. So I left. It was the last straw when it hit me, and how it hit me literally...the one that claims to love and mean so much, hit me...logically should I stand for that? No. I wouldn't...it could happen again... I can't trust because of what u did... Since you broke it, you fix it and make it better and not throw it back at me!! That what I can't understand and what u are blinded to.. Your own consequences of your own actions...instead you put the consequences you are to face upon others and u believe it's your right.... That's insane, crazy, unreasonable, irresponsible, cowardice and heartless for you to do that... Knowing that I'm in the state I am in just cos of your doing... If you were in my shoes, u will feel trapped and victimized for the right that was done... It doesn't make sense at all...
And all I can do is hurt so much more, needing to protect my heart time and time again...I give it all and it comes back battered and bruised... Needing Gods healing and time... And you don't even bother to be responsible in healing it... How can this go on?? If I let it continue, I am not helping you...instead I am indirectly encouraging you....I'm scared to love you...and I can't do this anymore...
I love you and believe in you... And maybe it's time I really let go...let God take care of you instead, because I can't...I can't cos I'm human...i can't love you cos I am hurting so much... Letting you go isn't loving you less, it's loving you more... We love you daddy... If u want to stay around or if you want us around, then commit to change in your ways...
All I can say is I do love you.....i miss you...