Realization...

So many things have been happening...too many to share...
sometimes im confused...with love.. with my own heart.. what i want in life.. in love...
Sitting down to think it through sometimes helps but sometimes it doesnt..it just makes things more complicated..only because the heart isnt on the same wavelength as the head... or well, heart doesnt feel what the mind thinks...

its in constant battle i guess...hhmm....*in thought*......

i just realized something that i didnt think i was afraid of....im not how true or how long has it been or how long it will remain...but i think i am commitment phobic... in terms of relationship..hahaha i didnt think i was...but after my last break up 2 years ago...maybe it was submerged so deep that it didnt come to realization until now....
I guess more in terms of afraid to show how i really feel for someone cos i dun wanna get into one yet, more of cos i am afraid i might hurt the person and secondarily afraid that when im in a relationship, i meet someone else that could be better than the current...isnt that scary?
its not that i am a player or that id give up everything for someone new that comes along...i have never done that...but isnt it scary to think about? i mean, id be contented with the someone who i am with than give it up for something new...not that i have many experiences to look back upon...just one...haha...well....
its just all complicated la...sometimes its this and sometimes its that...i say or feel onething and i say or feel another....because of circumstances and the times...all depends...you know what i mean..right?

I asked myself am I really afraid because of that? and yeah.,part of me am...
how would we know if we really are meant to be? people say, "you'd just know, you'd feel it"... well, i guess maybe i just havent felt that yet...hahaha.. maybe i have, just that i push it away..hahahaha.. anyways....I ask God to guide me...

The norm is... you like the person, date for a bit...if you click, you start serious dating then a relationship starts...then the rest if history...

well for me...as much as i want to follow the norm...i dun think i do all the time or at least most of the times....i am afraid to get into one...even afraid if someone starts showing interest...i sometimes back away...or just drag it....not wanting to be committed cos dun wanna hurt him and also cos im not sure if it'll work out...i would get into something that i was sure of (thats how ive always thought...play it safe.. do things that im sure of)...but sometimes i ask myself and friends tell me "How can i be sure unless i give them a try?" which i agree is true...then i think about it myself again..then i realized, im afraid if getting hurt...afraid of losing someone ive put my heart and love in... who doesn't? i know...its a risk we have to take i guess...i for one am not a risk taker...haha...

Thinking back on how i landed in a relationship...wasnt what i thought or used to think...it just flowed...i didnt think!! it just became what it was cos i followed my heart...hahahha
so is this good? or what it should be or how it should be? i just fell....i cant remember what exactly that had me fall in love...hahahaha...*in thought*
it opposes what the "textbook" says...date first, get to know the person well first then get into a relationship... well i guess its not wrong..its logical...cos look where or how mine ended? hahaha... not that it was ugly or terrible or bad...its just something that i had to go thru to learn LIFE's LESSONS...
but i guess its all in God's plan to have me go thru what i did...cos i learned ALOT from this beautiful relationship i had...

i think right now...im in a position where i wanna try..but afraid that there's someone else that may come along...i dunno if i should change...haiz...im just in a whirlpool....eh...more like a...dunno la...
no more mood to write.. another time peeps... good night...cheerios..