Feelings...Emotions...wild night...

It was a saturday...didnt have any plans.. supposed to..but didnt.. so i packed my room..then i got a msg from caesar...then it led to a zouk night out w friends han wei, xiao guang, jason, rebecca and Caesar...met up at ice cold beer first, chilled out for abit before we headed to zouk..was good...great and wonderful actually...i was happy...the 4 of us,becks, jason,hanwei and i, we had was sambuca, flaming lamborghine and long island tea...haha..great tasting...haha... was enough to last thru out..hahaha... danced and danced...the guys were crazy..haha.. we were all crazy...haha...well...it was fun...we went for supper at jln kayu...then cab back home...slept at 5am...i felt cared for and loved again...feels good...just for that night...was sweet...the feelings lasted thru morning...a smile on my face...been long....

I woke up...at 730am for church...showered...washed my face...my cheeks were rosy...like i looked so fresh...i think it was the emotions i was feeling...im happy...its like so peaceful...hehe...*thinking* just the thought makes me smile....
It feels good..but at the same time...uncertain...cos i know my future...and what im goin thru isnt what it is...part of me wants to try, the other doesnt...for a few reasons...dun wanna be hurt or cause hurt...how long will it last? is it just temporary? hhmm...mind vs heart...haiz...
Time...follow my heart...enjoy? or wait.....

Life and God

I'm back again...been sometime since i wrote...not sure what to write..i know the prev blog was WAY TOO LONG..hahaha...this one might be too thou..haha...anyways,might delete it someday when they dun have any more significance to me...
now...just that there are issues and thoughts running thru my mind...spiritually, mentally...sometimes i dont know what to think of it...
Just recently, my family and I have been experiencing some encounters that made us realize and want to work towards a more fulfilling life...to prepare us for what is to come in the near future...like in one of the sunday masses i attended about 2 weeks ago, the preist said, we have to always be prepared so that we will be ready for what is ahead of us..it got me thinking as in we need to be prepared in a sense that we should also have foresight...to be prepared for what is to come...and not wait till the last minute and realize that we should've done it much earlier...to know that there is a greater good...we should not just sit and wait for things to get better, we should do something about it, not in the sense of making extra money and being successful...but more to improve our relationships with our loved ones, to bring us closer in stead of further, doesnt mean physically closer, i guess emotionally and spiritually closer as a family...cos its happiness we gain for the long term...the intangible satisfaction and appreciation in life...nothing else is as important as being able to be open and share our deepest thoughts..and let go of certain events that have happened in our lives be it from childhood, passing of a loved one or even falling out of love...it might sound very cliche, but when we let go of these things or pain, we then leave it as our past, we not only feel alot better or move on with our lives but more importantly, we come a step closer to GOD and His son Jesus...

I didnt know alot about christ and all but thru the recent experiences, alot of stuff was realised and it made sense...thou its something that most of us cant see, hear or feel, its something that we have to make a choice in as an individual or as a family...there are personal experiences that i believe is real, and has had me started in letting go and having more faith in GOD...sometimes we blame God for things that happen in our lives...we say he isnt there for us when we're in our lowest...he doesnt listen to our prayers etc...so there's no God...but God is TESTING us...Satan is playing with us...with our heart and mind...sometimes, its our hearts that tell our minds to think in a certain way then our minds tell us what to do, "politically" or in the way of good and evil...we are on this earth for a temporary time, we do not have anything that belongs to us...God can lend it to us for a while, from money to sunshine, to love to diseases...so we should not blame him for what happens to us...if he can give something to us, he can take it back when he thinks we've passed the tests...im beginning to understand and heed what i should do and why we are on earth for...he knows our strenghts and weaknesses...He tests our faith, during our weakest moments...
there are still answers i seek....

We need to let go of our possessions(be it materials, feelings, wants) and EGO...we need to put the 'You' infront of the 'I'.. im not saying its easy, im still learning and trying...dont you realise that these days, that's what's happening around the world in the last 5 years, is getting from bad to worse?? that's what is said...theres more to say but i'll leave it here...and have u realised that everyone or the majority says.. "I WANT" or "I NEED to do what I want", its the 'I' that comes first...when it shouldn't be the case all the time...even if we do things for others, we should not EXPECT anything in return...then your "deed" has already lost its meaning and purpose...you should do things that comes from the heart...everyone is guilty of this, even me...i do sometimes expect certain things, eg, my job..i mean most of the time,honestly, i do things for people willingly from the heart cos i want to do it..i dont hesitate, so that they are happy, and i do not expect anything in return...im not perfect...I am also guilty of it too...sometimes i do expect some kind of return in job wise, maybe, when i do a better job at something and when i plan or initiate certain events in school, i expect to have a better "work review" or "grade" so that i reap better rewards in future...its something that i HAVE to do..its a requirement in my job scope..I believe its a system that we have been brought up in...it contradicts life...just remember that OUR LIFESTYLE SHOULD NEVER BE OUR JOBS!! or should i say OUR JOBS SHOULD NOT BE OUR LIFESTYLE.... there's a fine line between them..sometimes its inevitable...i can say that for sure...(i dont think im putting down any systems here or saying anything illegal) i guess so long as we know that we have done wrong or sinned, and we repent and ask for forgiveness (not all the time thou) and not to repeat it again...it will be heard by god...its hard to explain...hhmm...alot to share...another time i suppose..

For those who know me well, would be thinking, when did i become so spiritually involved...you know, last sunday when I attended mass, it was one of the very first times that i felt myself being there to really praise and be with god...and i teared...i held back thou'..the changes in me is something good, i feel...its all the experiences that my family and I have been going thru..still am...that has begun to change myself as a person and my outlook in life...
anyways, if you have any problems or issues that are hard to let go, try your best to do so...your heart will then be filled with love and happiness...it is hard...but God will be there to guide you...let not temptations bring you astray from the holy light...for you are the one who chooses the path you take...temptations can come in any form and talk you into falling into the trap.. but be strong... follow the light...you will be alright...

Life's Purpose, A Miracle shared...Changes...

There's alot to talk about and relive...but guess we all have to stop somewhere to take a break and reflect so we can apppreciate the little things and better things in life and what and who we have in our lives... i believe things do happen for a reason.. you may not find the reason at that point of time of the event..but eventually...maybe you'll find out years later when something else happens...and you reflect and realise that..hey, yeah..things are fallin into place for a reason..and now i see it..for example, my family...like my brother...he wasnt really planned by my parents to be brought into this world...we realised now(not that we didnt realize back then, just seems more evident and reinforced our reasoning NOW...)

A MIRACLE happened(8 years ago) id like to recall, a life and death event for my brother..what he saw and experienced while he was in a coma for 10 days, what we were "tested" for as a family...he was god sent for a reason...only until recently we,the family, realized why he was brought into our family/lives...and the things that he went through in the past and recently(my brothers' encounter spiritually)...how god was sending a msg to our family to bring us closer as a family as well as to God...you might think its all the the mind and out choices we make..yes, i do agree to some extent..but i guess you need to know the details of what we went thru as a family in the past as well as recently, that we made this realization...and it took us 8 years to find the reason(could be more reasons.. will wait and see what god has in stored for us).. so for those who think that God isnt at your side when you most need him or when you lose something or someone close to you or when something wrong happens that makes you upset or give up hope (to the extent of not believing in GOD..for some people that is...) I just have something to say, GOD WORKS IN Mysterious ways and the Wonders that he has planned out for you...he sees everything, he tests and give you choices...to serve and work with him...so that you will be with him when your time comes to know him personally...

i didnt used to be very spiritually bound, i mean, i believed in god and all, just that i didnt feel that...hmm...my heart wasnt totally spiritually ready to commit fully, i still don't think i am.. but im slowly bringing him in to my life...and to serve him...and i feel its good...i remember when i was at a prayer and praise session with my family and about another 20 people (siss' colleague-friends,...etc..a mixture), singing and all, i was consumed with many emotions...relief, pain, sadness, guilt, joy, forgiveness, having myself vulnerable to different emotions..inviting god in my heart and life...i teared non-stop at times when singing the songs of praise...it felt good...i was still holding back alittle..(cos i don't like people to see me emotional or cry when it comes to my personal life..like spiritual or hhm...guess its just an ego thing or my pride... i came to realize few months ago or more aware that i have quite abit of pride, ...thats what hinders me in being more open with certain people or situations even to my beliefs and personal interactions) but it was a feeling thats hard to describe...sometimes, i just want to cry it out(not out loud thou..just tear continuosly without anyone around to see me vulnerable to express the emotions i feel, the way i would when im crouched up in bed like a baby in the mothers womb..feeling safe with myself...being alone...with God...

These changes in life and experiences that ive been thru makes me the person i am today... being more open to changes and believing that things will work out the way it is "planned" for us so that we serve god and his people...to make this place, called earth, a better place to live in, to be filled with unconditional love....May the Lord bless and touch the hearts that need the love and care it needs to serve others and be loved themselves...