Searching...

We are constantly in search for the unknown to some extent in our lives...that's for people in general..for their own personal reasons..searching their purposes..searching the special someone made for them...searching new beginnings..searching for something better...searching for a cure...searching for reasons...searching for answers why,when,why,where,why,who and how(why so many 'whys' in that sentence? for obvious reasons *winks*)...and the list goes on...till we find what we went out looking for...it never ends...you'll understand what i mean... once you have found this ONE life changing search, it is there to answer most of our unanswered searches and purposes....i found it....i'll share with you in a while....

Have you ever thought when will it ever end? When would i ever know if ive found 'IT' that i need in life? Have you at times tried to find for something so hard that you come to a halt where don't even know what you were searching for in the first place? Then we feel lost..feel so lost to a point where we dont even know where to start...ask yourself how you got distracted in the first place? (This question has a deeper meaning than what most of you would think about distractions..you'd probably understand what i mean by 'distracted' if ive shared it with you..so far ive shared with only one...someone really dear to my heart....*smiles* there are reasons for the things that we MUST do...some, for us to know, and that would be beyond other's to comprehend....Let's call it a mission with a purpose from a purpose....)

To get back to where i was...well, honestly, i have not found all the answers to the searches that ive mentioned above in my life...but i will share that i have found what helped me shed light in so many areas in my life that gave me a great sense of peace, love and hope that i never regretted searching and finding...its a feeling hard to describe, all i can say is that it was peace and joyful love that cannot be compared to.....*smiles* I never knew i was in a constant search since i can remember....well, ive learned to accept life as it comes...and when we do that life has so much more meaning, we find meaning in so many things that we do because what i found usually in most case answers the why, or at least helps me to hope to understand and then accept the challenges ahead with dignity, love and a smile! Some of you may already know what i FOUND...some might still be thinking... Well, patience is key to seeing, hearing and understanding many answers in life...miracles? what answers them?

The key to life, is TO PRAY....God is there..Turning to God was the answer that opened my eyes, my ears and my heart in so many areas in my life...My life was renewed, i can still vividly remember the lightness, how bright it was and felt every single day...every day i woke up refreshed like i looked forward to the new day...i was like lifted...although i was still carrying my "burdens", i felt like they were all lifted off my shoulders, i had no worries, i was less worried or paranoid, i was more calm...things came with ease, challenges seemed so much easier to surpass though it was a treacherous mountain...i believe no matter how good we can be at words, this feeling i felt is so beautiful and peaceful beyond words can describe....

This search to find meaning gives NEW LIFE....*pondering* Well, its been a journey and still continuing...few years have passed, to be honest, its hard to keep up that 'spirit' of living it, i feel ive lost some since, cos things dont feel as great as it was before...BUT when i pray and get back on track to find myself again, the feeling is wonderful...peaceful, but know something, it takes more now to keep it going, but i know its the way to go...something that gets you to experience what i saw, heard and felt, you know it is worth 'working' and serving our lives for....

Ive found my purpose and plan..it stays and changes... so its how we see and work with life through God's guidance and grace...Trust in the Lord... I feel i should stop now and start another blog entry on another topic...so i shall.... All things are possible through prayer....My prayers were answered in someway or another in God's time...we just need to be vigilant to see, hear or feel it when it comes....Pray...*love*

Choices...Move Life!!

Reflected: 18/8/08

I had a choice...
The temptation was there.

For now, overcoming the temptation with the guidance of my heart (God).

I was taught, I learned, i rationalized with my heart, and head.

I used to be self-absorbed/self-concerned, confused, frustrated, cos i didnt wait for time, i was impatient, i was prideful. Now, ive learned the works of wonder and time....patience is key, humilty is worth.

When i say i was taught, i was taught for preparation for something great. I learned to wait in time for things i cannot change, for things i have not control over, soon my heart says 'GO'...you are ready...realization then flows along as thoughts flow in my mind, knodding along as if listening to a teacher of Love, ready to teach me about life's lessons and life's wonders and miracles...

At the beginning, as a 'child of God', I used to think i knew alot...and honestly yes i did to a good(at that point in time) extent, and No, to a great extent (humbling thru life lessons). To a certain degree, i learned about people just by being with them. Then soon, 'Life!' came into my life...That's when i chose the spiritual path, not because i was forced to, but a personal choice after miracles and miracles...I was in fear, and the only place of comfort i seeked even before i found 'Life', was Prayer with God...

I remebered when i was young, i was introduced to the Catholic Faith (Being a cradle catholic, it was obvious how it sorta was introduced) ,though i was neither here nor there in my younger days, questions filled my mind at times and before i knew it, i was a lapse Cat.

Cut the long exciting story short to the learning journey, i struggled with my emotions thru my secondary life more...i knew what I wanted and loved to do in life, even thru my poly days, but Faith was lost somewhere in between, and so was my passion for what I loved to do and who i was. Carefree and me. (I wanted what i want, to a point of being ignorant about Life itself, good or bad...depends...*smiles*)

Soon, I was put down, torn apart..By myself, and 'friends' around me,i fell into darkness...without realization, i fell even deeper and 'I' was the root to my own darkness...

As years passed by, life lessons and tests and trials nutured my gifts from God...my talents in physical abilities too, shone throughout Primary, Secondary and Poly life...i was very very blessed, sometimes prideful, at times humble...I struggled... I realized years ago my blocks and hinders in life..my own pride...and pride has its own way of dealing with life...

I learned since and have learned to recognise, so as to have self-control to build humilty in life....somethings are hard to change, takes time, and i know i have changed since...especially my pride, it broke down many walls for me, to build bridges that i need to. I was taught with Love, that i need to rebuild my bridge. I need to go back, relfect on what was made to make my bridge then, and see what else i can use to restore the cracks along the way so as to build my foundation to construct a 'New' and stronger bridge...going back is not an esay process, cos it means we need to learn to re-learn...the re-learning part, i know, will be easier than to unlearn thru relfection on how it was built, cos pride is the challenge here. It would bring back pain, hurt and darkness as how it was before, and well, thou' i know in my heart that it'd be a challenge to go back, it is necessary, cos the basic building block of a bridge foundation has to be built first! Go back to the basics, then learn life's lessons as we move 'Life' forward with us. but not with 'Life' moving us forward...it makes a whole lot of difference...

Anyways, somewhere along time, i realized my pride, and somehow along the years sharing it with love turned a blow right smack in my face unexpectedly, (right or wrong to certain degree i want to say, i chose to be vulnerable, i learned its hard, and it builds humilty) my heart hurt and and as human as i can be, a retaliation was to be fired, but knowing and understanding the situation i was in and with God's strong guidance, i didnt.

I had to swallow my pride in silence as i knew in time, in God's time, when one's ready to understand, that true understanding will come in time.... Pride as my weakness was used against me, my strength too, patience was also used against me... i was torn, for many reasons...but i held my heart in my hand for God to hold...I prayed and prayed for me to understand....i did in time...I did...God knows i did...that's all that matters for now....Humilty? God will answer that for me....

Inspired by the Realization of Fear & Pride.

"Lost i was in my own depths of weakness and self-pity,
That grew so dark, i couldnt see the light in front of me.
Pain i felt, as i walked on and on,
Blind as i was, a cause of forlorn.

Spiralled i did, and 'it' was happy,
"Attached" to me, i just wouldnt see.
Many attempts did God peer through,
But pride i had, i closed and withdrew.

And deeper i sank, in darkness i was,
Unrealized it went , 'I', the greatest cause.
The thought of 'I' seemed so small,
Boy! it was, my greatest downfall.

Again God came in many human ways,
Still i was clouded, it was plain to see.
Through the clouds, shone down the rays.
Back and forth, still, i chose to BE.

Life still filled with Love from above,
But a struggle is was to fly like a dove.

And soon I came to finally see,
The LOVE that stood right in front of me.
Say goodbye the dark entity,
To Spread my wings, Flying free."

Self-Composed...All Thanks and Praise to God.

Frustrations...Pride...

Only Good Intentions......No Implications....

What is pride? One of the seven deadly sins? well, yeah the movie 'Seven' says so right?.... its the root to many misunderstandings and frustrations and anger in life...
Some say its good to have some pride but not too much cos of 'yadah yadah yadah'.... well, there is a fine line to be drawn..having some pride when we accomplish something we have done on our own is a natural feeling...definately, i have felt that way, and im sure many people have..yeah, well, some may be humble and say, 'No, blah blah blah..." well, yeah, im not saying its wrong or bad...its just the way it is...its some sort of acceptance in society or humans for that matter..the 'standard' or level of pride that "gets" to the other depends on the amount of 'pride' the other has as well...try to make sense of it...it does make sense....

well, i know it is good to have some pride and hold on to our own dignity because that's how much we 'value' ourselves and give ourselves a sense of importance in our daily living...its human to do that so its not entirely wrong...i see it as not-so-good when the pride gets to the person well over their head, that they are over concerned about themselves and themselves only...when everything around them gets on a personal level...thats where i'll bring in egotism...

Well that's life isnt it? Even if intentions are clear and only mean well, it gets contorted into some evil intent or human error that makes people feel small or superior...Everyone is prideful..Even people think that of me (definately), well, not that im fine with that, of course i wouldnt want people to think that of me, but its inevitable when there are somethings that need to be served for a purpose beyond a person's comprehension...only in time the person will come to a realization or an understanding or they see things in different light...when people start to realize and see that pride and self-centeredness has got everything to do with out own frustrations...till then only God knows the answers because He guides...

Well, Ive grown alot since and YES, i did learn i was pretty prideful when it came to certain aspects in my life, i realised it was a natural human reaction to protect ourselves from others so that feel 'superior' than others and though it may seem negative to others (thats why people are put off), but to the person himself/herself, it is "alright"(or dont see it prideful) because they dont want to get hurt , and that is understandable maybe because of some past experience or childhood injury that we have gone thru that 'injured' and hurt us in ways that our body and mind naturally "fights back", so that we prove to others that we cant be messed with...

I realized that just in 2005, how alot of actions often link to pride...some are obvious but some aren't..you wouldnt naturally think that our difficulties we face are stemmed from pride right? BUT IF WE REALLY TAKE THE TIME TO REFLECT AND SEE HOW IT really got us into the 'situation' or difficulty or weakness we have, I realized that even my weaknesses (self-esteem on certain issues in life, how i feared speaking up and voicing my opinions, stay quiet cos i think im not good enough for my partner, to the extreme where i am not my 'FUN' & bubbly self, in short, not a smiley-happy self) were stemmed from PRIDE...
It may seem far fetched from where i was back in my secondary sch and poly days....but since then when i experienced God in my life...my life was relfected and guided with His grace to learn about myself, the really horrible side of me and why i did such things or why i didnt do so many things out of fears (that i also didnt realize i was fearful of..fear, another topic that's really interesting too, prob when i have the time and when it is time to share....) well, I realized that pride was SOO in my way it clouded my judgement most of the times...REALLY!! how silly i was to actually think that... haha *winks* ive learned and still learning and maturing with God's grace and knowledge...

Pride, it was all about ME, though it didnt or doesnt seem like it...honestly, i would be kiddin myself if i said i wasnt prideful even now, its a hard struggle, but when we can recognise it, we can control it...self-control is another great topic to share...haha...still learning thou...

Just give you an example of when pride comes into play into our daily lives...i do still experience me being prideful at times, though at least now i can say im alot better and still learning and growing from this...ok...here it is...its all about ME..me me and me...You you and you... *winks*

well, when we are overly concerned about ourselves (we may miss this realization cos we're goin too fast...so SLOW down our thoughts....we see things more clearly), we tend to assume alot of things that we think people have ill intentions/ulterior motives/thoughts whenever they talk about certain things...

well, i believe when we feel this way - like someone is against us, there IS pride goin on inside of us that we arent aware of, we straight away think its a negative intention OR just see it different from the other persons view, because its not the way we(i) do things, not the way we(i) see things, not the way we(i) expect things to be, not the way we(i) want it to be, OR we(i) want to protect ourselves and why do we(i) do that, because we(i) dont want to feel hurt, why, because, it makes us(i) feel 'small' and put down and not doing well, so we(i) try to put up a front and maybe, talk back, rebut, retaliate, give a comment, (internally or verbally), maybe even giving in to "run away" from dealing with our(my) problem, to 'make peace', 'give in' for the person we love etc (which giving (not giving in) is good at times,)...AND the reason for this IS PRIDE, we(i) want to feel important so we(i) stand up for ourselves...but little do/did we(i) realize that pride has gotten in the way of their/our/my lives that make people 'work against' them/us/me instead....and we cant even remember why we are so frustrated in the first place, or maybe we didnt even know what we feel is frustration, we just know we're just not happy.. haha *winks*

Hhmm, Can we see that its all about 'I' here? Can we now see it is actually self-centredness which we didnt even see/think that it was? that brings on this frustration here? Its not usually the way people think, but its a deeper understanding of life that we can also view it from, to be better people....If you're still pondering, take time to ponder, it took me he past years to ponder on it and grow too, even now, i remind myself to keep me going, to remind myself to be humble...i do get prideful at times, its a struggle, but its all worth the struggle, cos it build love in our hearts positively...

If only we think more positively toward other's actions (having good intentions, majority of the time that is, like instead of asking why are they against? ask why did they say that? do they mean well? for many (general), we do mean well, no intentions, just our opinions, nothing against anyone, just a thought and a different perspective, thou for a few, its good to be weary) then the place would be a more peaceful, humble place to live in...and more importantly, we are more at peace with ourselves, and isnt that the whole point of living? having peace and love in our hearts....
Here's some definitions:

—Synonyms 1. Pride, conceit, self-esteem, egotism, vanity, vainglory imply an unduly favorable idea of one's own appearance, advantages, achievements, etc., and often apply to offensive characteristics.

Pride is a lofty and often arrogant assumption of superiority in some respect: Pride must have a fall.
Conceit implies an exaggerated estimate of one's own abilities or attainments, together with pride: blinded by conceit.
Self-esteem may imply an estimate of oneself that is higher than that held by others: a ridiculous self-esteem.
Egotism implies an excessive preoccupation with oneself or with one's own concerns, usually but not always accompanied by pride or conceit: His egotism blinded him to others' difficulties.
Vanity implies self-admiration and an excessive desire to be admired by others: His vanity was easily flattered.
Vainglory, somewhat literary, implies an inordinate and therefore empty or unjustified pride: puffed up by vainglory. 5. boast.
—Antonyms 1. humility.
Read and understand....certains things are alot deeper than we think it actually is...that's why self-realization and self-actualization is important to bring about change...change can be in many forms or ways...


A balance in having these 'values' and using them positively and rightfully to benefit to move forward.
When we are so full of ourselves that we dont even know we are (blinded)...well, thats the extreme for being egoistic and prideful, to the extent that it hurts (emotionally, physically, mentally & sometimes spiritually) through anger and frustration towards people, especially the ones we really love deeply...

So right now, i feel that if anyone thinks that im prideful because of certain things that have to be done in a certain manner, As long as i know that that it is the way of life (God's teachings), and why im doing it, that's all that matters....you may ask, what constitutes 'being right'..well, let's leave it as being guided to following my heart and having some kind of knowledge that IS rational of what is right....

well, so again i say, if that's how others would like to see me as for now, so be it, its inevitable *smiles* so all i can do to stay happy and be cheerful about it and see things in the positive light, deal with it in time, cos i cant change their ways/minds for now in any way till they decide to, except to just accept the fact that this is what i need to do and go thru, even if it means 'people seeing me as a prideful person at this point in time'...The truth will surface and there will be light...So i pray and i trust that it will bring peace in time...Trust in God, that's what matters...

May the Lord be Your Guiding Light...