Reflections on Love and Loss
Im back again...its the exams...so invigilation is ON!! haha.. i guess its something that i look forward to, i think i speak for many friends/colleagues as well..haha...but marking comes soon after...but its still good.. less stress...less preparations...
i receieved a few mails, calls and sms...and msn msging...and somehow it makes me feel so confused and sometimes grounded...i guess when it comes to love, its sometimes unexpectable...
somehow, although i wasnt expecting anything, i more or less guessed...well...hard to explain so i wont try to..its just what i feel...
i know i got over my first love and i accepted my life the way it was..and i finally moved on...i was happier than ever, i guess we really know when we are over something or some loss when we have grieved enough.. but hey, when do we know if we have grieved enuf? or when do we know if we are really over someone? well, let me put it this way, the way i saw and reflect on mine... just sharing to see if you might be able to relate to you and help u along...
It was first an initial numbing, what i was feeling when the news came, i didnt feel anything, i was strong...more of mentally... it only hit me after a while, when i was alone and it became empty...my heart became empty....and well, this numbness was gone...i was angry, frustrated (but i wasnt the kind who flustered up or screamed my head off...i was calm and strong..haha) asked why, looked for answers that weren't apparent, i blamed myself..if i had done this and that etc...i hurt, then after a while the anger dissipitated and turned into a need for love, for someone to touch and hold me..to caress me...to make me feel that im needed...to make things seem alright.. i needed assurance...i cried buckets...i wished my tears could wash away my hurt and bring back the smiles and laughter we had...i talked to friends who were there for me...both negative and positive aspects of the relationships...well.. soon i got better...it took me about a year or more...can u see how it is so? like to sum up...its was numb initially, occasionally followed by anger, then a period of sadness, distress and yearning, before the final phase of acceptance is reached...i realised and finally accepted my emotions thru spiritual acceptance and humble realisation and of course the events that my family went thru and made us realise this was God himself, He showed us the way...i believed and well, i grew in faith...it seems short and simple but trust me, there's more to this..haha.. too long to explain..
anyways, i was at Love..yeah...(think i'll cont another time..got work to do..) im back after a day...well, Love is something that is felt by the heart, just by the heart...sometimes the mind says the other but the heart feels the opposite? and vice versa? think i mentioned it somewhere in my previous blog entry...anyways, i believe its when our hearts tell us something that sometimes we dun want to believe it due to certain circumstances and priority in life (including pride) Love is when we look beyond faults, we know they have their faults but still wanna be with them.. I asked a close friend of mine what he thinks of love..he shared this with me: "love is, when it hurts!", "when it hurts u like crazy, but u still cant help but wanna be there", "when u see e faults... but still try to come to terms to accept them", "is ponderin abt e future w tt person", "not knowin when to give up soemtimes..." "wat e heart wants...", "tts all tt happens inside"... well, we can't and shouldnt link all these feelings and emotions back to love...other factors play a part too..cos sometimes its not! thats another emotion that we want it to be LOVE (from the head, tell the heart) cos we all want and need love and sometimes, its just lonliness or emptiness talking and eating u up inside... its up to you to decide and be dicerning when it comes to your heart and a big decision...when u feel empty.. pray to God to fill up that heart with love...you feel at peace and alot better.. your empty heart is probably just alone..not lonely... well there is a difference between lonely and alone...that shall be another entry....
anyways, after all that sharing...ive accepted and i have grieved enuf, and you know the crazy thing? as soon as i get out of it..it comes back again...how crazy can that be? its like this time, its a different kinda numb..its shock and somehow in some way hard to believe and dun take it seriously...telling me to put my heart on the line again and let it get hurt? honestly, i somehow do, cos well, i know what ive been thru and stuff...will see...its hard...im afraid, i not the one to get hurt..but the opposite... well, I pray that God guides me to see it thru his eyes and show me what i should do and follow my heart and mind...Thank you Lord...
well, im tired...gtg bed...write more soon...ta-ta...hope i didnt go off track...i think i did but doesnt matter....bye!!
i receieved a few mails, calls and sms...and msn msging...and somehow it makes me feel so confused and sometimes grounded...i guess when it comes to love, its sometimes unexpectable...
somehow, although i wasnt expecting anything, i more or less guessed...well...hard to explain so i wont try to..its just what i feel...
i know i got over my first love and i accepted my life the way it was..and i finally moved on...i was happier than ever, i guess we really know when we are over something or some loss when we have grieved enough.. but hey, when do we know if we have grieved enuf? or when do we know if we are really over someone? well, let me put it this way, the way i saw and reflect on mine... just sharing to see if you might be able to relate to you and help u along...
It was first an initial numbing, what i was feeling when the news came, i didnt feel anything, i was strong...more of mentally... it only hit me after a while, when i was alone and it became empty...my heart became empty....and well, this numbness was gone...i was angry, frustrated (but i wasnt the kind who flustered up or screamed my head off...i was calm and strong..haha) asked why, looked for answers that weren't apparent, i blamed myself..if i had done this and that etc...i hurt, then after a while the anger dissipitated and turned into a need for love, for someone to touch and hold me..to caress me...to make me feel that im needed...to make things seem alright.. i needed assurance...i cried buckets...i wished my tears could wash away my hurt and bring back the smiles and laughter we had...i talked to friends who were there for me...both negative and positive aspects of the relationships...well.. soon i got better...it took me about a year or more...can u see how it is so? like to sum up...its was numb initially, occasionally followed by anger, then a period of sadness, distress and yearning, before the final phase of acceptance is reached...i realised and finally accepted my emotions thru spiritual acceptance and humble realisation and of course the events that my family went thru and made us realise this was God himself, He showed us the way...i believed and well, i grew in faith...it seems short and simple but trust me, there's more to this..haha.. too long to explain..
anyways, i was at Love..yeah...(think i'll cont another time..got work to do..) im back after a day...well, Love is something that is felt by the heart, just by the heart...sometimes the mind says the other but the heart feels the opposite? and vice versa? think i mentioned it somewhere in my previous blog entry...anyways, i believe its when our hearts tell us something that sometimes we dun want to believe it due to certain circumstances and priority in life (including pride) Love is when we look beyond faults, we know they have their faults but still wanna be with them.. I asked a close friend of mine what he thinks of love..he shared this with me: "love is, when it hurts!", "when it hurts u like crazy, but u still cant help but wanna be there", "when u see e faults... but still try to come to terms to accept them", "is ponderin abt e future w tt person", "not knowin when to give up soemtimes..." "wat e heart wants...", "tts all tt happens inside"... well, we can't and shouldnt link all these feelings and emotions back to love...other factors play a part too..cos sometimes its not! thats another emotion that we want it to be LOVE (from the head, tell the heart) cos we all want and need love and sometimes, its just lonliness or emptiness talking and eating u up inside... its up to you to decide and be dicerning when it comes to your heart and a big decision...when u feel empty.. pray to God to fill up that heart with love...you feel at peace and alot better.. your empty heart is probably just alone..not lonely... well there is a difference between lonely and alone...that shall be another entry....
anyways, after all that sharing...ive accepted and i have grieved enuf, and you know the crazy thing? as soon as i get out of it..it comes back again...how crazy can that be? its like this time, its a different kinda numb..its shock and somehow in some way hard to believe and dun take it seriously...telling me to put my heart on the line again and let it get hurt? honestly, i somehow do, cos well, i know what ive been thru and stuff...will see...its hard...im afraid, i not the one to get hurt..but the opposite... well, I pray that God guides me to see it thru his eyes and show me what i should do and follow my heart and mind...Thank you Lord...
well, im tired...gtg bed...write more soon...ta-ta...hope i didnt go off track...i think i did but doesnt matter....bye!!
posted by M@liNgPe@s at
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
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