Frustrated, lost and saddened...Help...

i hate you for not letting me live....

telling me how to take care of my hair, how to keep my nails cleaner, how to use moisturiser to soften my skin, how to be a lady...i know how to be one, i was one before, i still am....what's the difference? I use less material products, i dont go for nail mani and pedicures, i dont go to the salon, i don't buy new clothes, i don't buy beauty products, i use what is simple i use what i need, i use the basic, cos i dont see a reason for all those material things in life that brings our focus away....what's so wrong about that? what so difficult to understand and accept about this?

I've been through life in aspects that you may not have been through, about living. That's why i am who i am today...not to be overly worried over what to wear, what to eat, what to drink, what to do, where to go......Give where i can, do what i can, help where i can, love where i can...

Being so worried over money, so worried over what to eat, what to wear, what to say, how to say things, being so paranoid all over again....why am i back here again? Losing myself for others? letting go of how i live my life for others? to that they can live theirs, are they really happy doing what they are doing? are they really happy buying material things? are they really happy knowing that they think about daily is 'How to make more money?'

Why do you care/bother so much about how I relate to others?
Do you even know how i relate to them? Stop thinking im not good, or stupid, or dont know much, or know less...i want to be free again of your captive...I cant live with you like that, always being watched by my every move...if the thing irritates you, you've got a problem you've got to change, not others...Find out what irritates you and see how you can be ok with it...
I keep listening and doing what you want me to to....i listen and follow like a robotic doll, sometimes i dunno what im thinking anymore...I being dumb, is that really so important to you? is this what drives you? having control over someone's life? is this what gives you life?

Don't confuse me, don't try to tear my down, don't try to rob me of my thoughts, my feelings....

Don't tell me im talking nonsense, you cannot understand it cos it is life giving, its being free, its having a free will of choice, being free from our own captives...I know i can't change you, i know it can be hard to change, Im not asking you to change me, im not asking you to change, all im asking is for you to see me as i am and accept me as i am, live with me as i am, I live with you as you are, live with you as you grow, live with you in life, as united as one, with two beings...

The answer is Acceptance of life and my life, my past, my being, my God given gifts, my talents...it gave me freedom of my life, freedom of myself...I was free from my chains of worries, free from my fears, free from others opinions, others negativity...i found true happiness and peace so quiet it took me places....i kept focussed on life...postivity...what life brings...

Now, again, I need to work on being myself, knowing who i really am....and am going to be....

There's so much knowlegde in my head, my heart, my soul, it needs to come out to be expressed and loved and shared for all...it's not from me, its from within, from above, with so much love...

I need to find me again or should i find the new me?
The new me is still me...I want to be me, i need to be me.... Who am i? :)

God, pls take my hands and lead me...with a trusting heart, guide me. GOD, grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. I love you Lord...